When Conflict and Character Collide

I did a search for Character and self-awareness definitions and found this: Google defines Character as the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual and Self Awareness as conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

The most interesting thing to me about these definitions are how similar they are to one another.  I read them as Character being how others see you and Self Awareness being how you see yourself.  Furthermore, telling me that how people perceive one's character and their own self-awareness certainly differs from person to person.  I personally believe that some people really are "wolves in sheep's clothing" changing their character depending on a situation, pressure, circumstances etc. to suit their needs.  It very likely happens more than you realize and while I don't support or agree with it - like it or not - it is reality.  

Have you ever been in a conversation where you expressed disbelief or a difference of opinion through factual statements in a decision that was made only to receive a combative, emotional and contradictory response, completely inappropriate for someone in the level of authority and tenure the person held? Perhaps the person sitting across the table was exuding behaviors far different than the one's most people saw at the surface.  Maybe it was a person you trusted, confided in and at times even defended and in that moment, you find your mind wondering who is this person sitting in front of me, the one who smiled and talked through tough situations and now confronted by your facts spouts off inappropriate responses that don't add up to a legitimate reason for what is taking place - going so far as to place blame on others instead of taking accountability for what was to come.   Sure, the face and voice were the same, but the words and the body language did not resemble the person you thought you knew well placing Conflict and Character at the forefront.  Perhaps instead, your conversation took place during an annual school IEP or 504 planning meeting where you thought the team was going to tell you how they were helping your child.  You go in with no documentation nor fact based concerns that back up your feelings around the additional services you think your child needs to be successful in school.  You are a nice person at the core and the way people view your character is extremely important.  The meeting doesn't start out as planned and you are caught off guard as you sit across the table listening to the school IEP team tell you that there is nothing more they can add to your child's plan because there is no evidence to show otherwise.  In response you become agitated which only makes the conversation go more south and suddenly you begin shouting and perhaps even cursing. Conflict created a crack in your character which then went on to impact the entire meeting, resulting in nothing being accomplished for the betterment of your child. By now Conflict and Character were completely at odds.  You walk out of there feeling angry and defeated while the school IEP team walks out thinking you are a bitter parent not willing to collaborate, compromise and/or listen to their side of the facts. 

There are many examples I could have used, so this is not to say what is written here are the only scenarios where you will see conflict and character show up in an ugly fight against one another. 

It certainly has happened to me, one time truly catching me way off guard - why - because I thought I had a good perspective and pulse on this person's Character and who they were at the core.  I thought of this person as a mentor, advocate, appearing self-aware from the lessons learned and those she shared with me so I wouldn't make the same business decisions she had over the years - simply put - I held this person in high regard as a professional, colleague and friend.  I had heard from others that there were two sides to this person, yet I chose not to believe it, perhaps because I didn't want it to be true.  Then one day I became the target of "the dark side" and much of what I thought I knew, things I had defended were coming at me like lightning bolts - In that moment I realized the "in the moment" reactions, words spouted off and body language of the person I thought I knew well was their true self and the other persona was their game face.  I admit it - I was fooled!  As I listened to this person's words contradict the very things they preached to others and to me at times, their true colors came shining through and in that moment a piece of my innocence went out the window along with much of my respect for this individual.  The outward happy and quite professional business persona, the person who said they only wanted the best for me, would always be there to support, guide and be honest, the same person who behind closed doors shared confidential conversations and frustration with me over the years had vanished and been replaced by someone that I no longer recognized nor trusted.  It may surprise you to hear that I am still happy to have known this person as I learned a lot about who I am, what I do/don't want and that I really need to be a little less trusting of people because when push comes to shove and Conflict Head-butts Character you never really know what the outcome will be.

Life is funny that way.  We never really know what the outcome will be in any situation yet we keep moving forward which I suppose is what makes life fun, mysterious, frustrating, adventurous, painful and enjoyable all at the same time. 

Whether dealing with a personal or professional situation when confronted with a situation where Conflict is in a state of opposing force from Character, before responding to the situation try the following: Step back, take a few deep breathes and think, I mean really think about your character and remember that one slip of the tongue where you spew out words you really didn't mean but can't take back come out of your mouth - loud and clear to the other individual - it is your integrity and character on the line.  Maybe you don't care what others think of you or about you. In some cases that is not a bad trait to have, and who am I to judge if that is how you really feel.  For me however, every situation is a lesson learned so when it comes to Character I don't allow Conflict to create a crack in my Character, instead I contemplate if my actions/reactions to someone else is how I would hope they responded to me and then I respond with my integrity intact.  Much easier said than done - it takes a lot of self-control and practice - In the end it is worth the results! 

How will you react if/when you find yourself in a situation where Conflict and Character Collide?