Next Stop: A Chance Encounter

We moved across the country when our youngest was not quite 3 years old and began a new adventure for our family. Little did we know what sort of impact that SUBSTANTIAL change would have on our Toddler and how a chance encounter would change our lives forever.

An unanticipated discussion with a mom I met during a toddler gym class at a Little Gym in CA led us to a behavioral psychologist we hoped would help us gain clarity and insights into our oldest son's fluctuating behaviors and moods.  When I say fluctuating I am talking about drastic changes in behavior without warning - going from Happy and Laughing to Arm flapping, Screaming, Throwing toys, Kicking and/or Hitting in 1.5 seconds.  While my son's behavior ranged from participating in class, to holding his ears, sometimes running off to hide in a corner, flapping his hands and eventually melting down, the little girl, whose mom I had this conversation, appeared to be a happy, well behaved and polite child for the length of every class.  I tell you this information because while this adorable little girl appeared this way in class, her mother began telling me a very different story about her behavior at home - behavior that had gotten so bad they brought in a behavioral psychologist to observe their daughter and offer guidance on how to parent their daughter.  As our children participated in a group activity she continued to share the details of their home situation.  I sat there listening to every word she said, somewhat in shock of the words coming out of her mouth, at the same time I thought wow, maybe this professional can shed some light on our situation.  For those of you who ever watched the show Super Nanny, it appeared as thought we had stumbled upon our very own Super Behavioral Psychologist.  Was there a catch? Of course, there is always a catch.  They were convinced that had they been consistent with the tools given to them the behavior would have changed, yet doing so took a lot of time, energy, patience and consistent parenting.  The mom went on to let me know that although they had spent the time and money to bring this person into their home and evaluate the situation, behaviors and provide tools to guide them toward better parenting and less drama within the home, they chose not to consistently follow the guidance.  The result - no behavior change.  By this time, I had heard enough.  I wanted to meet this person and should she believe there were tools to help us help our son and ourselves parent better we would do exactly what she said, or at least try our best to do so. 

Fast forward 2 months or so and it’s our turn to meet with the person who we hoped would lead us away from this stressful, challenging and very frustrating home life toward a more peaceful, happy and collaborative one where we could engage with our child absent of several hour-long meltdowns.  The knock on the door began the next several chapters of our journey.  We expected her to be at our home for up to 2 hours, but when our son's alter ego type behaviors failed to come to the surface she chose to stay, observe and chat with us until they eventually came out which happened just shy of a 4 hour home visit.  If you are wondering why it took so long, I wondered the same thing on that day and after living out that day, I can share my answers with you.  Your child may not act/react the same way as mine did, but the details that follow may help shed some light on your situation, giving you just enough hope to keep fighting the fight for the betterment of your child and your entire family.

The initial meeting was as much about us as it was about our son's behavior.  What does that even mean?  It means that the events of our past and present 100% affected and will always affect our children's behaviors.  Whether it causes anxiety, happy/sad memories, outward behaviors etc., it all comes full circle and each event impacts the next which eventually, given the change may change one's personality and how they view the world forever - sometimes for the better and unfortunately sometimes for the worse.  Leading up to our move west our family had been through a major health scare, followed by removing our toddler from his home environment, including seeing his Babushka 2 times a week to moving across the country where he knew only his mom and dad.  As this professional peeled back layers of the previous 2 years, one strip at a time, so much was revealed and at least for me, some things began to make sense.  The initial observations showed that he had some sensory issues, could likely benefit from OT and the rest was yet to be determined. We also deciphered it was likely some of his behaviors were intensified due to circumstances out of our control.  Tough information to digest given I don't like to not be "in control" of situations - That personality trait has surely changed over the years - not because I wanted to change because circumstances forced me to change.

This is not to say I was happy with our reality, just that I began to understand how we got here and why our son was exhibiting some of his behaviors.  Once this revelation took place, I jumped into "now what" mode.  Just then she stopped me in my tracks, sat down with me on the couch and asked me one question - "How are you dealing with all of this?" in an instant and without warning, the tears began to stream down my face and all of what had taken place over the previous 12+ months came to the forefront of my mind and I was forced to deal with all the emotions I had bottled up inside.  That day began a full on emotional loopy-d-loop roller coaster ride for me; one that continues to this day.  The good news is that I have learned to deal with my emotions, channel my energy for the good and work through my anxiety to minimize the effect it has on my kids and other relationships.  On this day I had a breakthrough that would change my life forever.  For the first time in my life, I realized it was ok to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to not hold the weight of the world on my shoulders and most importantly it is ok not to have all the answers nor be able to "fix" everything for those you care about.  It is a team effort, hell, sometimes a Village effort to move mountains and it all begins with a willingness to set aside one's pride, admit there may be a unique way of approaching/dealing with situations and be vulnerable enough to ask for HELP.  Starting to see a pattern here?  If you never let anyone in, listen to different viewpoints, admit you need guidance don't expect anything to change.  If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.  If that is what you want, no need to read any more of my posts, however if you are ready to take that first step, kick that first pebble, push that first rock or climb that first mountain I encourage you to keep following me through our journey. I can't promise you that what we have done, continue to do or will do going forward is going to be exactly what you or your child needs, BUT I can promise you I will provide details on what worked, what didn't work, the progress and the setbacks along the way.  

#InspireResilience

 @BResilient4U