Undercover Truth

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” Dr. Seuss

I began today's post with a quote from Dr. Seuss:   Those who follow my blog or read any posts from several years ago may have noticed other references to Dr. Seuss - Why you may ask? - Because as silly and simple as his books may seem to some, I am always able to find a deeper meaning within his words.  His ability to capture the hearts of so many people, young and old, is inspiring.  He has a way of bringing together so many different types of people, situations, characters with his fun and corky writing.  So how does this have anything to do with today's Title - everything and nothing!  If he had not cared enough to share his stories will all of us then I would never had learned the love of reading  these books with my children.  The memories of reading Green Eggs and Ham, One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish and the ABC book will always and forever bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart.  I cherish those moments - so you see for me, he cared enough to share his undercover truth and in turn allowed us to create treasured memories with our children. 

What's with the title undercover truth?  Many times it takes a lot of persistence, trial and error and a lot of focused attention to figure out what the undercover truth is in relation to why a child is acting out, misbehaving, failing, floundering or anxious.  For my family, its Anxiety, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Executive Functioning, Visual Processing Disorder and who knows what else that affect our every day life.  One of these is enough to drain the energy out of the kiddo and put a parent, sibling, relative, teacher and/or caregiver on edge. Add in ones inability to put themselves in the child's shoes, truly understand what they might be going through and how outside actions and interactions impact the child's response to any given situation and you have a lot of emotions going around in circles with no positive end in sight.   Now, step back and try to imagine a curve ball that was thrown at you during your younger years, or even adult years.  How did you handle it? Most likely you were you able to problem solve your way through it or knew enough to look for answers or ask for help.  Now imagine not having the tools to be able to do any of those things, and instead, your thoughts are jumbled together with no way to decipher what is right or wrong  let alone the ability to get yourself through the issue at hand.  Sounds exhausting and frustrating does't it?    

It seems like not a day goes by without one of us feeling worried, nervous or uneasy about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.  Many times for me, it's comes from not knowing what may trigger worries, uncertainty or even anxiety in one or both of our boys.  These moments often lead to difficult minutes or sometimes difficult hours trying to help one or both self-regulate.     

No matter the trigger, Anxiety is all around us and within us.  Whether or not one realizes, acknowledges, or admits that a reaction or behavior unfolding because of stress is then inadvertently accompanied by anxiety it is more than likely a component of these situations.  As a result, the action or reaction that follows is often driven by emotion instead of objectivity, coupled with mistakes, ultimately ending in unexpected events.  

We are all human- well most of us are :) - which means we all make mistakes - even when we choose to not admit them - Why? - Because regardless of what one believes no one is perfect.  Also true, is that, some people choose to learn from what goes on around them and others choose to ignore it.  It is not a matter of right and wrong, more a matter of seeking to understand how and why a situation ended in the way it did, what could have been done differently, really reflecting on and thinking about all components and deciding if you would have done it differently, provided the opportunity for a "do over".  

I know from experience that emotions and inability to think clearly in the moment clouds one's judgement yet I strongly believe that pride nor loyalty should ever override ones integrity.    Be true to you and your beliefs.  Take the time to find the undercover truth so that you can work toward resolution and a better way of life for you and or your child.  Figure out what is triggering the anxiety or other behaviors so that in time it becomes something you manage instead of something that manages you. 

    

Visual Processing Disorder and Vision Therapy - Huh?

Just over a year ago, my best friend asked if my 7 year old had ever been to the eye dr. to have his vision checked, I said yes and he can see fine.  The next statement stunned me - what about an assessment to see if he may need Vision Therapy…..to which I reacted as you may expect - "my son can see fine, why would he need vision therapy?"  If this discussion wasn't taking place with my best friend, I may have brushed it off to be insane thinking, but it was with my best friend, and I am grateful I took her concerns seriously. 

After discussing the concerns with my husband and then with his Special Education Case Manager, the consensus was to find a specialist and have the full assessment done.  After all, it couldn't hurt to find out if this therapy could actually help him and/or that he didn't need it after all.

Fast forward a few months to test day…………..I can't put into words the mix of emotions felt as we watched him struggle to complete simple puzzles, see shapes well only to look at them 30 minutes later and not be able to ascertain what he was looking at the 2nd time around.   He struggled to mirror simple images such as a triangle, square or infinity sign.  Connect the dots was a zigzag mess and reading, well reading that was nothing short of excruciating to watch.  The only positive we had to hold onto at that time was knowing we made the right decision to bring him in for the assessment.  Fast forward again about 2 weeks……….Results day……………..Talk about another mentally draining day for us.  As we sat in the room with the Eye Doctor, listening to the results and recommended plan of action, we began to truly understand how hard X had to work just to read a simple word, add and subtract and put together a 2-3 piece puzzle.  We were told he was processing and saw information at a 5 year old level and the Dr. was amazed that he could read at all.  She went onto say that the good news is he has figured out a way to read, and with the right amount of intense therapy he would make significant and substantial progress in school, in sports and in life overall.  

During our consultation, she explained how Visual Processing Disorder affects the entire visual system which includes eyes, brain and body and that it was important to understand that vision therapy is a form of neurological training or rehabilitation (similar to occupational therapy or physical therapy). She went onto explain that the goal of vision therapy is to train the patient's brain to use the eyes to receive information effectively, comprehend it quickly and react appropriately.  To be honest, I was blown away to realize just how connected our vision is to the above.  Once our Dr. explained how all the pieces fit together, we quickly realized that this is the missing piece to providing our son with the best possible program to give him the best life has to offer him.  

We found out that his sessions would include a program designed to enhance his brain's ability to control eye alignment, eye movements, focusing abilities, and eye teamwork (binocular vision). The Dr. also explained how Visual-motor skills and endurance are developed through the use of specialized computer and optical devices, some of which are now our son's favorite part of therapy. She went onto say that before he would "graduate"  from Vision Therapy, his therapist would spend a solid number of sessions making sure his newly acquired visual skills are reinforced and made automatic through repetition and by integration with motor and cognitive skills.

Given the low tone, fine and gross motor skill delay and how hard it is for him to do so many things connected to the above topics, we knew then and there that Vision Therapy was the missing puzzle piece and would in fact be an important part of the overall treatment program to minimize the impact our child's learning disabilities had on his ability to thrive in the classroom, at sports and in life.  His vision and sensory-motor deficits are causing eyestrain, blurred vision, loss of place while reading, and difficulty maintaining attention on close work. For a son who has already been diagnosed with hyperactive and inattentive form of ADHD, it makes a tough situation nearly impossible to trudge through without specialists, experts, a lot of patience, love and persistence.   Over time, we learned that even intelligent, highly motivated children can be severely handicapped by these problems in the academic environment and correcting these deficits allows those affected to benefit from academic remediation and to achieve their full potential in the classroom, in business, in sports and in life. 

Our son's self esteem was non-existent and he used anger and comedy to get through each day the best he knew how, all the while struggling to read words such as the, and etc.   During the initial set of sessions with the Dr, she explained that children with vision problems often have a history of underachievement and frustration, however the achievement level is because of the disorder and not because they are not as "smart" as other kids. So while the result is low self esteem and a lack of confidence, the trigger is something that when found early, and with focus, determination, consistency and persistence can get easier, allowing the child to feel successful, resulting in higher self esteem, better grades and all around better experience for the child and those around them.  

So now we have hope and statistics that show it works. In fact, the daughter of a special educator in our school went through the program.  Not only did she "graduate" from it, she went from reading below grade level to above grade level. You may be thinking, well how long did that take and how much did it cost.............Great questions.

From what we can tell, every situation is different and the Vision Therapy program that works for our son is created just for him based on his initial test results and the progress he makes at each 16 session "progress" meeting he has with the Dr.  The program will vary based on the severity of the conditions being treated, the patient's motivation and readiness, and the number of therapy sessions per week the patient can attend. Our son goes 2 times a week and is making great strides, going from testing at a 5 year old level to a 6 year old level in less than 6 months.  For us, his program duration is expected to be up to 2 years. However that is not to say that other's may not be able to "graduate" in just a few months.  We do know that he won't be in VT forever and that every session and re-assessment is based on actionable goals and progress so it is certainly a "goal-oriented therapy." What this means is that if individual goals are not being met, they are being tweaked until the right mix of tasks and activities are put in place for the child to succeed in getting to their highest possible level based on their specific situation.  While Vision therapy is not cheap as our insurance has a "clause stating VT is not covered" it has been effective AND we(me, husband, teachers, special educators, coaches) are seeing the progress unfold before our eyes.  That makes it well worth it's weight in gold. 

Best of all, once the skills are embedded in our son's every day routine, his newfound visual abilities naturally become self-reinforcing, resulting in a habit we never want him to break. 

#inspireresilience
#SEATCertifiedAdvocate

Life altering moments......and thoughts from another member of our Village

One decision can change the course of a life forever.............I asked another member of our village - one of Joseph’s former ABA specialist’s - if he recalled the day, about 8 years ago, when he made the decision to stay almost an hour after his end time to ensure Joseph followed through on a directive he was given as part of his therapy.  This decision became one of the KEY turning points for Joseph.  Not only did he not get away with the behavior he was exhibiting - it was the first big step toward our ability to help him help himself cope with his Spectrum Disorder, understanding boundaries, connecting the dots between right and wrong and learning to live in the gray instead of in black and white wiring of his brain.  

On this particular night, toward the end of his session, Joseph was asked to complete a non-preferred activity. An activity mind you, that should have taken all of 5 minutes to complete and at time of completion led to the reward of a preferred activity that he was very much so interested in getting to quickly.  The ask was something hard for him to complete without a lot of focus and effort on his part.  Once frustrated and unable to self-regulate things spiraled out of control.  Instead of completing the non-preferred activity in 5 minutes, it took over an hour. 

A long, exhausting, excruciatingly painful 30 minutes or more of screams, kicks, crying, scratching and throwing of whatever was close to him.  Following Franco’s guidance, we kept calm and as silent as possible, all the while redirecting him back to what we asked him to complete many minutes earlier.  We were a united front, taking a tag team approach to keep him from escaping to another part of the house as he did everything in his power to avoid completing the task at hand.  

How the event unfolded from the words of Franco, ABA therapist and a member of our Village:

“I do remember that time you are referencing. If I remember correctly we were working with Joseph's flexibility when instructed that playtime was over. I think you took his sword away (which he had just begun hitting the TV screen with) and he was not happy. You then calmly sat down on the couch to read your book while holding his sword and he started dumping out all of his toys and throwing them all over your living room. I remember we just let him go at it for like 20 minutes and every so often he would look over your way to see if you would give him attention. You did a great job "reading" your book as that was our strategy to have Joseph work through the event! After he was done, I believe I gave him the instructions to clean everything up and that's when he thought it was a good time to leave the scene! We were able to sort of just stand in the way of the only exit out of your living room chatting while he tried to leave and we made him frustrated for a good moment but after some time he finally realized we weren't giving in and he put away ALL of his toys, apologized to me and you and we praised him for doing such a great job! I feel like that day was a breakthrough for all 3 of us as I think we all sort of clicked and was really the beginning of a successful run of sessions with Joseph!”

Had we let the end time of the session and/or his poor behavior choices deter us from standing our ground and following through, I have no doubt the years that followed and are yet to come would have been and would be very different than what we have experienced and what we have yet to experience.   There is no doubt in my mind that this event changed the course of our eldest’s life for the better and in turn the future of our entire family. 

For those not familiar with our path, this is a child we were told, by a licensed Psychologist, would never have a normal life and that we should seek to find Autism groups and counseling to help us move forward.  If we had listened to this person and not gone with our gut I am certain he wouldn’t be going into middle school, with more coping skills and manners than many adults, taking GT and above grade level classes, on a year-round competitive swim team, surrounded by a great group of friends and the only residue of what still lingers from the spectrum disorder that lies within, being supported by a 504 plan.  If this post provides strength to even one person wondering where to go next and if ABA or other specialized services could change the course for your child, family and/or lives of those around them, then it was well worth the time it took me to write it!

Decisions made during the most crucial moments either lead to profoundly wonderful life altering results or devastatingly life altering consequences.  There is always a choice, choose carefully!

Thoughts from a Member of our Village

Along the way I will share some thoughts and memories from various village members, without whom we would NEVER have made it to this point in our journey.  First up - Andrea, our oldest son's 3-year-old preschool teacher.   Her unique background - therapist turned pre-school teacher allowed her to see past the behaviors, provide insights into the triggers and offer support in how to best work with Joseph.  She led by example in every way possible and was a calm and encouraging educator that always saw the potential in our child, even when others were ready to throw in the towel.   While we now live on opposite sides of the country, our connection and relationship remains strong.    She will always hold a special place in our hearts and I am forever grateful to her for many things including the unconditional guidance, support and love she provided from the first moment.  Read on to see what she had to say………….

The first time I met Lisa and Joseph, they walked into my classroom.... Joseph with a big smile and Lisa kind, gentle and a bit nervous.  As Lisa watched, I interacted with Joseph.  He immediately spotted a huge, heavy, wooden castle (Melissa and Doug for those of you who know their products).   Joseph went straight for it and threw it across my room.  Mom stared in disbelief and I immediately got down to his level and firmly, but lovingly, told Joseph he was not going to do things like this in my class.  We picked it up together.  I showed him how it was broken and that we could no longer play with it.  I took him around the room, staying by his side, but allowing him to touch and explore.... we connected.  Mom and Dad had to decide if our school and my classroom was the right place for their son.  One thing was certain, regardless of their decision, Lisa let me know she would replace the doll house and she did.  Finally, their decision was made and Joseph was enrolled in our school and became a student in my classroom.

The year had its ups and downs, but as the year progressed there were far more ups than downs.  Joseph caught on to my facial cues very quickly and began to look for these before reacting.  That smile of his, wow, it could make me melt.  We became a team, we worked together.  His social skills were not there and he had difficulty with his boundaries with his friends.  Joseph would react with his body, getting too close, kicking, hitting.  I didn't want his friends to shy away from him, so I stayed close enough to stop the physical interaction, but far enough away to allow him the space to grow.  So, went the year.... tremendous growth in an incredible little boy with that big smile.  

When Joseph loves he loves hard.  He loves his family, he loves his friends, he loves school, but most importantly, Joseph was learning to love himself.  In doing this he needed to learn to trust himself.  He became very attached to a Lightening McQueen car I had in my class.  I began using this toy as a special tool.  We talked about taking care of Lightening McQueen, being gentle, kind and loving with "him".  We talked about how we needed to treat our friends like we treated Lightening McQueen.  It worked.... Joseph loved this toy, he could relate to this object that sat by itself on a shelf waiting for someone to want to play with it.... Joseph was that toy.  Every day he came in, took that lonely toy off the shelf and incorporated it into his play, his daily routine.  As he became more confident, Lightening McQueen became more of a symbol... a symbol of what Joseph was capable of and what he could accomplish.  That toy was never far behind, but was no longer a replacement for friendships. Joseph flourished.  When the year ended and Joseph was about to leave my class, that final day in June, I made a gift of Lightening McQueen to him.  That little frightened boy and that brave red car, had done so much for each other, had come so far together, and that's where they needed to stay ... together.

Lisa was on board with everything.  She is a mother that every special needs child deserves to have.  As a new year began, she researched, sought help, insisted on services and never gave up.  Joseph was fortunate to have an incredible shadow in his next class, whom he became very close to.  Lisa insisted on constant meetings between herself, the shadow, the director of the preschool and his teacher.  I know what she put into these meetings, the questions and the information she gave because, as the Asst. Director, I was included in a number of these.  Joseph worked hard and Lisa worked harder.  He has grown to be a wonderful person, afforded all the services in life he needed.  Without Lisa this never would have happened.

I will always love Joseph.  He and his family will always have a special place in my heart.

Andrea

Next Stop: A Chance Encounter

We moved across the country when our youngest was not quite 3 years old and began a new adventure for our family. Little did we know what sort of impact that SUBSTANTIAL change would have on our Toddler and how a chance encounter would change our lives forever.

An unanticipated discussion with a mom I met during a toddler gym class at a Little Gym in CA led us to a behavioral psychologist we hoped would help us gain clarity and insights into our oldest son's fluctuating behaviors and moods.  When I say fluctuating I am talking about drastic changes in behavior without warning - going from Happy and Laughing to Arm flapping, Screaming, Throwing toys, Kicking and/or Hitting in 1.5 seconds.  While my son's behavior ranged from participating in class, to holding his ears, sometimes running off to hide in a corner, flapping his hands and eventually melting down, the little girl, whose mom I had this conversation, appeared to be a happy, well behaved and polite child for the length of every class.  I tell you this information because while this adorable little girl appeared this way in class, her mother began telling me a very different story about her behavior at home - behavior that had gotten so bad they brought in a behavioral psychologist to observe their daughter and offer guidance on how to parent their daughter.  As our children participated in a group activity she continued to share the details of their home situation.  I sat there listening to every word she said, somewhat in shock of the words coming out of her mouth, at the same time I thought wow, maybe this professional can shed some light on our situation.  For those of you who ever watched the show Super Nanny, it appeared as thought we had stumbled upon our very own Super Behavioral Psychologist.  Was there a catch? Of course, there is always a catch.  They were convinced that had they been consistent with the tools given to them the behavior would have changed, yet doing so took a lot of time, energy, patience and consistent parenting.  The mom went on to let me know that although they had spent the time and money to bring this person into their home and evaluate the situation, behaviors and provide tools to guide them toward better parenting and less drama within the home, they chose not to consistently follow the guidance.  The result - no behavior change.  By this time, I had heard enough.  I wanted to meet this person and should she believe there were tools to help us help our son and ourselves parent better we would do exactly what she said, or at least try our best to do so. 

Fast forward 2 months or so and it’s our turn to meet with the person who we hoped would lead us away from this stressful, challenging and very frustrating home life toward a more peaceful, happy and collaborative one where we could engage with our child absent of several hour-long meltdowns.  The knock on the door began the next several chapters of our journey.  We expected her to be at our home for up to 2 hours, but when our son's alter ego type behaviors failed to come to the surface she chose to stay, observe and chat with us until they eventually came out which happened just shy of a 4 hour home visit.  If you are wondering why it took so long, I wondered the same thing on that day and after living out that day, I can share my answers with you.  Your child may not act/react the same way as mine did, but the details that follow may help shed some light on your situation, giving you just enough hope to keep fighting the fight for the betterment of your child and your entire family.

The initial meeting was as much about us as it was about our son's behavior.  What does that even mean?  It means that the events of our past and present 100% affected and will always affect our children's behaviors.  Whether it causes anxiety, happy/sad memories, outward behaviors etc., it all comes full circle and each event impacts the next which eventually, given the change may change one's personality and how they view the world forever - sometimes for the better and unfortunately sometimes for the worse.  Leading up to our move west our family had been through a major health scare, followed by removing our toddler from his home environment, including seeing his Babushka 2 times a week to moving across the country where he knew only his mom and dad.  As this professional peeled back layers of the previous 2 years, one strip at a time, so much was revealed and at least for me, some things began to make sense.  The initial observations showed that he had some sensory issues, could likely benefit from OT and the rest was yet to be determined. We also deciphered it was likely some of his behaviors were intensified due to circumstances out of our control.  Tough information to digest given I don't like to not be "in control" of situations - That personality trait has surely changed over the years - not because I wanted to change because circumstances forced me to change.

This is not to say I was happy with our reality, just that I began to understand how we got here and why our son was exhibiting some of his behaviors.  Once this revelation took place, I jumped into "now what" mode.  Just then she stopped me in my tracks, sat down with me on the couch and asked me one question - "How are you dealing with all of this?" in an instant and without warning, the tears began to stream down my face and all of what had taken place over the previous 12+ months came to the forefront of my mind and I was forced to deal with all the emotions I had bottled up inside.  That day began a full on emotional loopy-d-loop roller coaster ride for me; one that continues to this day.  The good news is that I have learned to deal with my emotions, channel my energy for the good and work through my anxiety to minimize the effect it has on my kids and other relationships.  On this day I had a breakthrough that would change my life forever.  For the first time in my life, I realized it was ok to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to not hold the weight of the world on my shoulders and most importantly it is ok not to have all the answers nor be able to "fix" everything for those you care about.  It is a team effort, hell, sometimes a Village effort to move mountains and it all begins with a willingness to set aside one's pride, admit there may be a unique way of approaching/dealing with situations and be vulnerable enough to ask for HELP.  Starting to see a pattern here?  If you never let anyone in, listen to different viewpoints, admit you need guidance don't expect anything to change.  If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.  If that is what you want, no need to read any more of my posts, however if you are ready to take that first step, kick that first pebble, push that first rock or climb that first mountain I encourage you to keep following me through our journey. I can't promise you that what we have done, continue to do or will do going forward is going to be exactly what you or your child needs, BUT I can promise you I will provide details on what worked, what didn't work, the progress and the setbacks along the way.  

#InspireResilience

 @BResilient4U

When Conflict and Character Collide

I did a search for Character and self-awareness definitions and found this: Google defines Character as the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual and Self Awareness as conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

The most interesting thing to me about these definitions are how similar they are to one another.  I read them as Character being how others see you and Self Awareness being how you see yourself.  Furthermore, telling me that how people perceive one's character and their own self-awareness certainly differs from person to person.  I personally believe that some people really are "wolves in sheep's clothing" changing their character depending on a situation, pressure, circumstances etc. to suit their needs.  It very likely happens more than you realize and while I don't support or agree with it - like it or not - it is reality.  

Have you ever been in a conversation where you expressed disbelief or a difference of opinion through factual statements in a decision that was made only to receive a combative, emotional and contradictory response, completely inappropriate for someone in the level of authority and tenure the person held? Perhaps the person sitting across the table was exuding behaviors far different than the one's most people saw at the surface.  Maybe it was a person you trusted, confided in and at times even defended and in that moment, you find your mind wondering who is this person sitting in front of me, the one who smiled and talked through tough situations and now confronted by your facts spouts off inappropriate responses that don't add up to a legitimate reason for what is taking place - going so far as to place blame on others instead of taking accountability for what was to come.   Sure, the face and voice were the same, but the words and the body language did not resemble the person you thought you knew well placing Conflict and Character at the forefront.  Perhaps instead, your conversation took place during an annual school IEP or 504 planning meeting where you thought the team was going to tell you how they were helping your child.  You go in with no documentation nor fact based concerns that back up your feelings around the additional services you think your child needs to be successful in school.  You are a nice person at the core and the way people view your character is extremely important.  The meeting doesn't start out as planned and you are caught off guard as you sit across the table listening to the school IEP team tell you that there is nothing more they can add to your child's plan because there is no evidence to show otherwise.  In response you become agitated which only makes the conversation go more south and suddenly you begin shouting and perhaps even cursing. Conflict created a crack in your character which then went on to impact the entire meeting, resulting in nothing being accomplished for the betterment of your child. By now Conflict and Character were completely at odds.  You walk out of there feeling angry and defeated while the school IEP team walks out thinking you are a bitter parent not willing to collaborate, compromise and/or listen to their side of the facts. 

There are many examples I could have used, so this is not to say what is written here are the only scenarios where you will see conflict and character show up in an ugly fight against one another. 

It certainly has happened to me, one time truly catching me way off guard - why - because I thought I had a good perspective and pulse on this person's Character and who they were at the core.  I thought of this person as a mentor, advocate, appearing self-aware from the lessons learned and those she shared with me so I wouldn't make the same business decisions she had over the years - simply put - I held this person in high regard as a professional, colleague and friend.  I had heard from others that there were two sides to this person, yet I chose not to believe it, perhaps because I didn't want it to be true.  Then one day I became the target of "the dark side" and much of what I thought I knew, things I had defended were coming at me like lightning bolts - In that moment I realized the "in the moment" reactions, words spouted off and body language of the person I thought I knew well was their true self and the other persona was their game face.  I admit it - I was fooled!  As I listened to this person's words contradict the very things they preached to others and to me at times, their true colors came shining through and in that moment a piece of my innocence went out the window along with much of my respect for this individual.  The outward happy and quite professional business persona, the person who said they only wanted the best for me, would always be there to support, guide and be honest, the same person who behind closed doors shared confidential conversations and frustration with me over the years had vanished and been replaced by someone that I no longer recognized nor trusted.  It may surprise you to hear that I am still happy to have known this person as I learned a lot about who I am, what I do/don't want and that I really need to be a little less trusting of people because when push comes to shove and Conflict Head-butts Character you never really know what the outcome will be.

Life is funny that way.  We never really know what the outcome will be in any situation yet we keep moving forward which I suppose is what makes life fun, mysterious, frustrating, adventurous, painful and enjoyable all at the same time. 

Whether dealing with a personal or professional situation when confronted with a situation where Conflict is in a state of opposing force from Character, before responding to the situation try the following: Step back, take a few deep breathes and think, I mean really think about your character and remember that one slip of the tongue where you spew out words you really didn't mean but can't take back come out of your mouth - loud and clear to the other individual - it is your integrity and character on the line.  Maybe you don't care what others think of you or about you. In some cases that is not a bad trait to have, and who am I to judge if that is how you really feel.  For me however, every situation is a lesson learned so when it comes to Character I don't allow Conflict to create a crack in my Character, instead I contemplate if my actions/reactions to someone else is how I would hope they responded to me and then I respond with my integrity intact.  Much easier said than done - it takes a lot of self-control and practice - In the end it is worth the results! 

How will you react if/when you find yourself in a situation where Conflict and Character Collide?

Communication is Key

Many take for granted the ability to communicate, the power of words and impact the ability to speak or not speak has on oneself and those around us.   I admit that I used to take all of this for granted, but no more, now I am grateful for the abilities, skills and tools innately within me.  How about you?

Humor me by doing as I ask here………. sit back, close your eyes and try to imagine yourself unable to verbally communicate with your children, your spouse, your parents, your co-workers, an acquaintance or even a stranger who may have asked you a question.  Now let's try this one more time but slightly different focus………sit back, close your eyes and try to imagine yourself unable to comprehend and/or process something or anything your children, your spouse, your parents, your co-workers, an acquaintance or even a stranger said to you.  For those of you who did this experiment with me, how did it make you feel? In all honesty, visualizing this situation as it was happening to me, leaves me feeling frustrated, annoyed, angry, irritated, sad, alone, isolated and my list could go on and on. 

Wondering why I asked you to play along with me -  It's because I wanted you to feel, even if just for a moment, the way my oldest son felt for the first 6-8 years of his life.  Think about it for a minute - I mean really think about how hard it must be to live in today's world, know you are different, craving to be normal, yet don't have the innate abilities that others are so often born with and take for granted. In a future post I will go into detail about the social behaviors, both actions and reactions, that were a direct result of his disorder and the "missing social skills" but for today I will stick with communication as it relates to Words, not actions.

Some Partial results from a Google search define "Word" and "Speech" as follows:

WORD - a single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing

SPEECH - the expression of or the ability to express thoughts and feelings by articulate sounds

Our son struggled to come up with words, let alone be able to speak them.  New parents and unsure what to do, I went into laser focus mode and began doing research, investigating options, sought guidance from other first-time parents and certainly professionals that had experience in areas our child was struggling.  The ultimate goal was to gain an understanding of our reality, process what it meant and most importantly, provide him with any/all relevant early intervention support services we could find as a result.  We had no idea what we were going to uncover, and in all honesty, being a first-time mom, wondered if I was overthinking and seeing things that weren't there.  Oh, how I wish that was the case - not only was I not overthinking, the number of issues that came to light as we peeled back the layers, one by one, was enough to make anyone implode.  But, we couldn't implode nor escape because we are his parents, brought him into this world and owed him the happiest, most fulfilling life possible.

Quick reminder of his results:

Communication - two parts to this one - auditory comprehensive and expressive communication

A 25% delay in his development of expressive communication

Grateful to have the results, confused by what they mean and unsure what we do next the best decision was to trust that the recommendations for next steps made sense.  So, we entrusted them with our son, welcoming them into our home to begin Speech/Language services. Why? Because while we had no idea what any of this had to do with his ability/inability to use his words and/or follow simple 1-2 step directions like others his age, we had nothing to lose and everything to gain by moving forward with their recommendation.  This, my friends, acquaintances and those I don't even know, was our first of many experiences with early intervention. 

As I reflect on that initial decision, almost 9 years ago now, to accept the offer for speech/language services, I am overrun by a sense of calm and absolutely no regrets, knowing we would not be where we are today, had we listened to those that told us not to seek help.   The decision was 90% gut instinct and 10% our pediatrician standing in the room with us asking "what do you have to lose by getting a free assessment".  When we said nothing, she smiled, left the room for a few minutes and returned with information on where we should call to schedule the intake/initial assessment. 

I will end this one with a lesson learned very early on in our journey: There will always be those that think you are overreacting, others who say it will pass with age, and even some who think they can "fix" your child if you give them some time.  I am here to tell you, regardless of what they say, TRUST YOUR GUT.  Had I let their words, emotions, opinions and even some of the test results guide our decisions, who knows where our son would be today.  I am 100% confident that Collaborative Communication is a key ingredient and had we not followed our gut, our son would never have learned the skills necessary to be successful in school(academically, socially and emotionally) let alone be the 5th Grade GT student he is is today.