Missed opportunities

My husband and I had the opportunity to go to dinner with some "new" friends this weekend and it was quite interesting to find out about the parallel worlds we seem to have lived in for the last few years. As we shared story after story, it was mind blowing how similar our family history, the paths of our relationships, our wedding planning drama and even current events were to one another.

To me, the most interesting part of our stories was how we (my friend and myself) took the tough path.........the one that made us look deep within ourselves and figure out what was best for us alone and our new families. On the other hand, our "loved ones" sat back and took the path of least resistance.........the one where they did not need to look deep inside themselves and admit they had anything to do with the inevitable parting of ways. Yet another "missed opportunity" to fix what started to break many many years ago.

Our families were quite different, yet the decisions to ignore things that didn't seem right, the inability to see the issues that were right in front of their eyes and the complete denial that there was any wrong done on their part was the same common theme. When it came to outcomes of many situations their inability to discuss their shortcomings or the situation in general, completely altered the outcome of many situations within both of our families..

In my heart, I strongly believe that the first step in fixing any situation is admitting there is an issue. Without the ability to admit your faults, there is no chance of fixing what is broken. The problem with that statement is that many people don't think there is anything wrong with their actions, behaviors or decisions nor do they care to hear from anyone else that there is something wrong. The last thing that a person in denial wants to hear is that they need help or that what they think, say and do may not always be the right thing to think, say or do.

The hardest part about having people like this in your family or circle of friends is that although you may love them, these relationships are toxic. Those unable to confront their fears or issues are stuck in their own reality and many times it drains the life out of those around them. Trying to help them see what is right in front of them is an impossible task to complete. For many, their reality is the only way of thinking about things and no matter how much you try to reason with them, they just can't accept another way of thinking.

My memory bank is filled with many great memories yet some of the most vivid memories I have revolve around the many "missed opportunities" to learn something from mistakes made. Unlike most members of my family, each and ever day I make the choice to learn something from every single moment in my life. I think about each day, the choices I made, the people I encountered, how I dealt with them and what I could have done differently to have possibly changed the situation or the outcome. Many times no matter what I did, the situation would end up with the same outcome, yet other times one thing said or done could have completely changed the course of any particular encounter.

I would not say that I don't make mistakes all of the time but what I am proud of is the fact that I can recognize my short coming and do my best to not make the same mistakes over and over again. Unfortunately many people stuck in their "world" of right and wrong, never open their eyes enough to see the big picture, or realize what they are missing out on b/c they know what they know and don't care to see life any other way.

After having kids I realized that I wish I could always look at life "through the eyes of a child" because doing so would make things more simple, more beautiful and without prejudice/bias. A simple smile, kind word or a hug is enough to make a child smile for hours. As an adult, most times a smile, kind word or hug happens as a reaction to something instead of a just because you felt like it sort of reaction.

Many say that I am the black sheep of my family, sort of like my great aunt....one that I love, respected and got along with better than almost anyone else in my family. My grandmother and I had a great relationship as well. Both of these family members were always there for me...........listening, laughing and talking to me without judgement.

When I didn't want to talk they were there with a hug, a smile or just to hang out. Never judging or pushing me to share my thoughts or do something that I didn't feel was in my best interest at the time. Almost as though they knew what I was thinking or feeling without even asking. Other members of my family would assume what I was thinking, avoid what I was trying to explain or were simply in denial of certain situations. In a nutshell avoidance was a big theme of my immediate family. A common theme between myself and the "new friends" I mention above.

What I came to realize at a very young age is that avoiding what is right in front of your eyes, doesn't make it go away. In fact avoiding things that should get attention or "band-aiding" them by trying to compensate in other ways eventually leads you down a path that ends with a crash and burn situation. I believe I am one of the lucky one's b/c I chose to learn from all of these situations, take the good and bad and learn to make the best of a tough situation.

Early intervention never came into my life but I believe that intervention, whether it be early or late in life is a great thing if/when the person needing the intervention to take place is ready for it. You have to be able to put yourself in a very vulnerable state before you can admit your shortcomings, learn how to deal with them and then find a way to benefit from the guidance and support of others.

I applaud each and every person who has allowed themselves to be this vulnerable!