When Conflict and Character Collide

I did a search for Character and self-awareness definitions and found this: Google defines Character as the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual and Self Awareness as conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

The most interesting thing to me about these definitions are how similar they are to one another.  I read them as Character being how others see you and Self Awareness being how you see yourself.  Furthermore, telling me that how people perceive one's character and their own self-awareness certainly differs from person to person.  I personally believe that some people really are "wolves in sheep's clothing" changing their character depending on a situation, pressure, circumstances etc. to suit their needs.  It very likely happens more than you realize and while I don't support or agree with it - like it or not - it is reality.  

Have you ever been in a conversation where you expressed disbelief or a difference of opinion through factual statements in a decision that was made only to receive a combative, emotional and contradictory response, completely inappropriate for someone in the level of authority and tenure the person held? Perhaps the person sitting across the table was exuding behaviors far different than the one's most people saw at the surface.  Maybe it was a person you trusted, confided in and at times even defended and in that moment, you find your mind wondering who is this person sitting in front of me, the one who smiled and talked through tough situations and now confronted by your facts spouts off inappropriate responses that don't add up to a legitimate reason for what is taking place - going so far as to place blame on others instead of taking accountability for what was to come.   Sure, the face and voice were the same, but the words and the body language did not resemble the person you thought you knew well placing Conflict and Character at the forefront.  Perhaps instead, your conversation took place during an annual school IEP or 504 planning meeting where you thought the team was going to tell you how they were helping your child.  You go in with no documentation nor fact based concerns that back up your feelings around the additional services you think your child needs to be successful in school.  You are a nice person at the core and the way people view your character is extremely important.  The meeting doesn't start out as planned and you are caught off guard as you sit across the table listening to the school IEP team tell you that there is nothing more they can add to your child's plan because there is no evidence to show otherwise.  In response you become agitated which only makes the conversation go more south and suddenly you begin shouting and perhaps even cursing. Conflict created a crack in your character which then went on to impact the entire meeting, resulting in nothing being accomplished for the betterment of your child. By now Conflict and Character were completely at odds.  You walk out of there feeling angry and defeated while the school IEP team walks out thinking you are a bitter parent not willing to collaborate, compromise and/or listen to their side of the facts. 

There are many examples I could have used, so this is not to say what is written here are the only scenarios where you will see conflict and character show up in an ugly fight against one another. 

It certainly has happened to me, one time truly catching me way off guard - why - because I thought I had a good perspective and pulse on this person's Character and who they were at the core.  I thought of this person as a mentor, advocate, appearing self-aware from the lessons learned and those she shared with me so I wouldn't make the same business decisions she had over the years - simply put - I held this person in high regard as a professional, colleague and friend.  I had heard from others that there were two sides to this person, yet I chose not to believe it, perhaps because I didn't want it to be true.  Then one day I became the target of "the dark side" and much of what I thought I knew, things I had defended were coming at me like lightning bolts - In that moment I realized the "in the moment" reactions, words spouted off and body language of the person I thought I knew well was their true self and the other persona was their game face.  I admit it - I was fooled!  As I listened to this person's words contradict the very things they preached to others and to me at times, their true colors came shining through and in that moment a piece of my innocence went out the window along with much of my respect for this individual.  The outward happy and quite professional business persona, the person who said they only wanted the best for me, would always be there to support, guide and be honest, the same person who behind closed doors shared confidential conversations and frustration with me over the years had vanished and been replaced by someone that I no longer recognized nor trusted.  It may surprise you to hear that I am still happy to have known this person as I learned a lot about who I am, what I do/don't want and that I really need to be a little less trusting of people because when push comes to shove and Conflict Head-butts Character you never really know what the outcome will be.

Life is funny that way.  We never really know what the outcome will be in any situation yet we keep moving forward which I suppose is what makes life fun, mysterious, frustrating, adventurous, painful and enjoyable all at the same time. 

Whether dealing with a personal or professional situation when confronted with a situation where Conflict is in a state of opposing force from Character, before responding to the situation try the following: Step back, take a few deep breathes and think, I mean really think about your character and remember that one slip of the tongue where you spew out words you really didn't mean but can't take back come out of your mouth - loud and clear to the other individual - it is your integrity and character on the line.  Maybe you don't care what others think of you or about you. In some cases that is not a bad trait to have, and who am I to judge if that is how you really feel.  For me however, every situation is a lesson learned so when it comes to Character I don't allow Conflict to create a crack in my Character, instead I contemplate if my actions/reactions to someone else is how I would hope they responded to me and then I respond with my integrity intact.  Much easier said than done - it takes a lot of self-control and practice - In the end it is worth the results! 

How will you react if/when you find yourself in a situation where Conflict and Character Collide?

Communication is Key

Many take for granted the ability to communicate, the power of words and impact the ability to speak or not speak has on oneself and those around us.   I admit that I used to take all of this for granted, but no more, now I am grateful for the abilities, skills and tools innately within me.  How about you?

Humor me by doing as I ask here………. sit back, close your eyes and try to imagine yourself unable to verbally communicate with your children, your spouse, your parents, your co-workers, an acquaintance or even a stranger who may have asked you a question.  Now let's try this one more time but slightly different focus………sit back, close your eyes and try to imagine yourself unable to comprehend and/or process something or anything your children, your spouse, your parents, your co-workers, an acquaintance or even a stranger said to you.  For those of you who did this experiment with me, how did it make you feel? In all honesty, visualizing this situation as it was happening to me, leaves me feeling frustrated, annoyed, angry, irritated, sad, alone, isolated and my list could go on and on. 

Wondering why I asked you to play along with me -  It's because I wanted you to feel, even if just for a moment, the way my oldest son felt for the first 6-8 years of his life.  Think about it for a minute - I mean really think about how hard it must be to live in today's world, know you are different, craving to be normal, yet don't have the innate abilities that others are so often born with and take for granted. In a future post I will go into detail about the social behaviors, both actions and reactions, that were a direct result of his disorder and the "missing social skills" but for today I will stick with communication as it relates to Words, not actions.

Some Partial results from a Google search define "Word" and "Speech" as follows:

WORD - a single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing

SPEECH - the expression of or the ability to express thoughts and feelings by articulate sounds

Our son struggled to come up with words, let alone be able to speak them.  New parents and unsure what to do, I went into laser focus mode and began doing research, investigating options, sought guidance from other first-time parents and certainly professionals that had experience in areas our child was struggling.  The ultimate goal was to gain an understanding of our reality, process what it meant and most importantly, provide him with any/all relevant early intervention support services we could find as a result.  We had no idea what we were going to uncover, and in all honesty, being a first-time mom, wondered if I was overthinking and seeing things that weren't there.  Oh, how I wish that was the case - not only was I not overthinking, the number of issues that came to light as we peeled back the layers, one by one, was enough to make anyone implode.  But, we couldn't implode nor escape because we are his parents, brought him into this world and owed him the happiest, most fulfilling life possible.

Quick reminder of his results:

Communication - two parts to this one - auditory comprehensive and expressive communication

A 25% delay in his development of expressive communication

Grateful to have the results, confused by what they mean and unsure what we do next the best decision was to trust that the recommendations for next steps made sense.  So, we entrusted them with our son, welcoming them into our home to begin Speech/Language services. Why? Because while we had no idea what any of this had to do with his ability/inability to use his words and/or follow simple 1-2 step directions like others his age, we had nothing to lose and everything to gain by moving forward with their recommendation.  This, my friends, acquaintances and those I don't even know, was our first of many experiences with early intervention. 

As I reflect on that initial decision, almost 9 years ago now, to accept the offer for speech/language services, I am overrun by a sense of calm and absolutely no regrets, knowing we would not be where we are today, had we listened to those that told us not to seek help.   The decision was 90% gut instinct and 10% our pediatrician standing in the room with us asking "what do you have to lose by getting a free assessment".  When we said nothing, she smiled, left the room for a few minutes and returned with information on where we should call to schedule the intake/initial assessment. 

I will end this one with a lesson learned very early on in our journey: There will always be those that think you are overreacting, others who say it will pass with age, and even some who think they can "fix" your child if you give them some time.  I am here to tell you, regardless of what they say, TRUST YOUR GUT.  Had I let their words, emotions, opinions and even some of the test results guide our decisions, who knows where our son would be today.  I am 100% confident that Collaborative Communication is a key ingredient and had we not followed our gut, our son would never have learned the skills necessary to be successful in school(academically, socially and emotionally) let alone be the 5th Grade GT student he is is today. 

The Very Beginning

Our pediatrician was extremely helpful and supportive of us, new parents, with concerns about their son not yet talking more than a few words. We weren't sure if it was because he didn't have much interaction with other children up to 23 months of his life or if there was some other underlying issue that was affecting his ability to speak.  After an in-depth discussion with our son's pediatrician, we all agreed that we had nothing lose and everything to gain by having a special educator that worked with Infants and Toddlers conduct a FREE assessment in our home.  

I guess one could say the journey toward diagnosis and early intervention services officially began in November of 2008 when a Baltimore County Infants and Toddler Program representative knocked on the front door of our home in Owings Mills Maryland.  In that moment, we had committed to what has become our life.  During today's post, I will do my best to recreate our day, allowing you to really connect with and understand what took place during this first assessment. 

Given that he was our first and we had nothing to measure against nor any background in early education, we had no idea what to expect when the special educator showed up at our door that day with a bagful of "goodies" to help guide and engage our son in assessing him as accurately as possible. From what I recall I was nervous, yet hopeful.  The special educator spent a few hours at our home, mostly playing with and/or observing our son and sometimes asking us and/or our nanny questions. 

During the testing, this special educator observed his behaviors, actions and reactions.  He used a few real words, some sign language but mostly jargon and when given directions, to respond, the verbal directions had to be restated.  Additionally, he wandered off and it was difficult to prompt him to participate in most tasks related to find motor and cognitive subtests. Once she had seen and heard enough the session ended and we were told someone would be following up with us via phone on next steps - that is if there were going to be any next steps.  For those that have dealt with early intervention services, especially those supported by the state, know the results are reviewed and scrutinized and sometimes even with there being evidence of a need for services, they are not provided.  If you are a half glass full kind of person then you would agree if I said Thankfully that wasn't the case for us - but if you are a half glass empty kind of person, you may disagree and instead be thinking that it was disappointing we found out that the results indicated there was a greater than 25% delay in numerous areas qualifying him for Infant and Toddler services through Baltimore County.  No matter how you see it, I am grateful that the delays were identified and we were accepted into the program.  The call came about a week later and the verdict was in - 4 out of 6 areas assessed were at least 25% delayed compared to his chronological age at that time in his life.  You may be wondering what that means and so I will share it with you as I dug deep into our archives this morning and found the original documentation detailing this very information.  So here we go………

On par with others at his age:

Auditory Comprehension

Information necessary to receive information

Self Help

Development of skills such as eating, drinking, dressing and sleeping

Gross Motor Skills

Ability to control large body movements such as head control, sitting, crawling, walking

25% or greater delay:

Communication - two parts to this one - auditory comprehensive and expressive communication

A 25% delay in his development of expressive communication

Cognitive

Significantly greater than 25% delay in his development of mental processes related to thinking, remembering and reasoning (ability to convey information)

Social Emotional

Significantly greater than 25% delay in his development of emotional expression, relationships to others, self-concept and play skills

Fine Motor

Significantly greater than 25% delay in his ability to coordinate small muscle movements to perform eye-hand coordination tasks, and to manipulate objects

Sigh, yes ma'am and sir we have a lot going on and for those who know me well know I am an all or nothing type gal, someone focused on "fixing" things, so this was no different except it was a lot different because in order to move forward we had to take a step back and tackle one delay at a time because doing it any other way would be too overwhelming for our son and we would likely find ourselves spinning our wheels and our son spinning out of control with meltdowns due to frustrations caused by all of what we now know is triggering some of his mood swings, inability to communicate, tantrums etc.  The fact is, he wasn't being defiant or acting out just because, there were a considerable number of delays affecting his ability to meet the milestones of others his age.

Nothing about this journey has been easy yet it has been worth it.  Every step forward or back has taken us on this adventure with lots of bumps, twists and turns, leading us down roads that were sometimes dead ends, at times road to nowhere and at other times bringing us steps closer to where we are today.  Had we not taken these risks our son would not be where he is today, thriving in a sometimes cruel yet wonderful world.

My next post will take you deeper into each of the above, bringing you into the world we know and how far we went to help our son along with all the villagers that joined in offering guidance, support, encouragement and sometimes their unwelcome reprimands asking why we would be spending so much time, energy and money figuring out how to provide the best life possible for our son. Stay with me on this journey and you will find out How and Why!

Overwhelmed with Gratitude

Many thanks to those who commented in response of my decision to finally share our story with the world, or whoever feels like reading it. I read/heard everything from Amazing, Brave, Generous, beautifully written, wonderful mom to I really connected with your writing style and wanted to know more. 

Those intimately involved in working with us and/or seeing this transformation unfold before their eyes have been urging me to share my stories with the world, yet I always stopped short of doing so out of fear, insecurities, or simply a lack of confidence that people would really want to read about it.  While I wasn't ready to do so, I did give them permission to share the appropriate details with others who felt stuck, unsure what steps to take next and/or just wanted to know they weren't alone. Much to my delight, one or more of the posts provided the strength for some to keep fighting for whatever support their child needed to be successful in school and in life. 

I am just a mom and wife of 2 amazing boys with a love of writing and a need for an outlet to write down my feelings.  No matter how many lives I touch with this process, I will continue to stay humble and use this blog as an outlet - a way to reflect and recharge as we forge ahead day by day.  I always dreamt of writing a book - one that touched the lives of others.  While I've had a love affair with writing and wanting to help others help themselves since I was a young girl, I never thought my journey would be one eventually shared with the masses in hopes of inspiring resilience in others to never give up. 

But it did and so here I am connecting people to our journey, hoping some will learn from it, others will share it with someone who could benefit from reading it and perhaps a few that are intrigued to read more and simply choose to come along for the ride.   

Whatever the reason, I thank you, am overwhelmed with Gratitude and hope I live up to whatever it is you are expecting from me.  

Caution: Strap on your helmets - It's a bumpy ride

Following the lyrics of a song from my favorite Musical "Let's start at the very beginning, it’s a very good place to start" I am about to embark on this journey with all of you - step by step, layer by layer I will share our story with those who wish to read about it.  I can't promise that the posts will reflect a full play by play, but what I can promise is they will most certainly reflect on all we have been through, opening up about the tough times and successes all the while sharing the details of what we learned and how we made it this far.  I will intertwine past and present where it makes sense and provide updates on our younger son's journey that has truly just begun to unfold.  Whether the posts make you smile, laugh, shake your head or even cry, I hope you find yourself learning something or growing somehow from our journey.

I spent most of my mid to late 30's becoming intimately familiar with Autism Spectrum Disorder(ASD) and Sensory Processing Disorder(SPD).  Not out of curiosity - out of necessity. We had two options, place our son on medication and cross our fingers that it will do the trick to "mask" the disorder that sat within him OR meet it head on by doing everything we could to provide my first born with the tools necessary to allow him an opportunity to live the best life he could to his full potential, whatever that was meant to be.  We chose option 2 and will never regret one moment spent researching websites, talking to professionals, learning the ABC's of ABA going to IEP meetings nor spending gobs of money on private OT, behavioral and social skill classes for our son who now has the tools in place to cope with much of his disorder and outwardly shows himself as sarcastic, happy, respectful, empathetic and sensitive 10 year old or Pre-Teen as he calls it. 

Our investigation, research, testing, evaluations, persistence, resilience coupled with the support and guidance from the village of educated specialists and supporters led us to his diagnosis of ASD, SPD & Borderline Intellectual functioning and just for good measure anxiety came along for the ride.  How does a child diagnosed with these disabilities/disorders, someone who required a multitude of special education services from toddler through 3rd grade, end up shifting off an IEP and onto a 504 plan? In 3rd grade he had become a peer in the inclusion classroom and in 4th moved into the non-inclusion classroom, with the above grade level and GT kids and most amazing to us bringing home report cards that show straight A's in everything but PE.  Should you choose to come along for the ride, I will do my best to take you through the raw details within each stage of the timeline below.  

Timeline estimation:

23 months old

• Infants and Toddlers of Baltimore County evaluation complete
• Speech services started through this program

28 months old

• behavioral psychologist evaluation complete

30 months old

• OT services begin for SPD, gross and fine motor skill delays and the inability to self-regulate

3 years old

• Shadow hired as 1:1 support during preschool 3 of 5 days

4 years old

• Tri-County Services of Ventura County evaluation conducted
• Diagnosed with Borderline Intellectual Function, Autism Spectrum Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder
• Based on diagnosis, ABA services were recommended and paid for through the state but provided by an ABA Organization
• Entered a Social Skills program led by behavioral psychologist

4.5 years old

• Oak Park School educators met with us and our dream team to conduct IEP evaluation for potential qualification and goal planning
• IEP created and implemented

5.5 years old

• Kindergarten at Ilchester Elementary school begins with IEP intact including the following services:
• Speech
• inclusion classroom
• Shared para-educator able to take him out of class for a walk when he couldn't self-regulate, process or say how he was feeling

6.5 years old

• First Grade - IEP intact
• Speech continues
• inclusion classroom
• Shared para-educator able to take him out of class for a walk when he couldn't self-regulate, process or say how he was feeling

7.5 years old

• Second Grade - IEP intact
• Speech continues
• inclusion classroom
• Shared para-educator able to take him out of class for a walk when he couldn't self-regulate, process or say how he was feeling
• Psych services added to deal with anxiety

8.5 years old

• Third Grade - IEP dismantled
• Transitioned onto a 504
• Speech discontinued
• Psych services continue
• Inclusion classroom - this time as a peer
• No para-educator as it is time to let the bird fly free

9.5 years old

• Fourth Grade - 504 continues
• Peer to Peer class placement
• GT Math placement
• Psych services available as needed

10.5 years old

• Fifth Grade - 504 continues
• Peer to Peer class placement
• GT Math placement
• Psych services available as needed

My husband loves that my best kept secret is out, however said I shouldn't write about him :) Good thing I didn't agree because this part of us needs to be shared.  People often ask me how our marriage has survived the trials and tribulations life has thrown our way since our oldest was 9 months old and my consistent response states that our foundation is strong - built on friendship, trust and respect.  Times haven't always been easy and we continue to deal with many struggles that come along with both our children's disabilities and of course our own idiosyncrasies, yet we choose to forge ahead together, learning and growing with every success and mishap all leading us to become more understanding and patient with one another as we move through this bumpy journey together.  Of course, a sprinkling of Sarcasm and laughter always help us make it through when overwhelmed by a situation and unsure what to do next. 

It is difficult for those that didn't know us at the start of this journey to understand the magnitude of this transformation nor the reality that while he doesn't "look or act" like he has autism he exerts a lot of his energy each day making sure that no one can see what still lurks inside.  While he has come a long way, Autism isn't something that will ever disappear completely and just when we let our guard down some of the behaviors, feelings and reactions rear their ugly head and we are reminded once again that this is his and our reality.  Sure, there are times when I ask why us, why him but the truth of the matter is he is one of the most amazing individuals I have ever encountered and not a day goes by that I don't learn something by being his mom and a part of this journey.  Love shows no boundaries and love in its purest form isn't always easy but it is always unconditional. 

To an acquaintance or a stranger, he looks like a happy, typically developing thriving 5th grader and to us he is the true meaning of perseverance and resilience.  If you choose to follow my journey, strap on your helmet because I am about to take you on a bumpy ride.

Putting myself out there in hopes of inspiring resilience in others

Posted today on Facebook..........

Those who know me well, know that I am a true believer in paying it forward and helping others help themselves and their loved ones where possible, yet I am also a very private person which makes it tough for me to let my guard down and be vulnerable enough to share my story with strangers. I am blessed with many connections from acquaintance to former teammates/coaches/colleagues, to a village of educators that have guided and supported me over the years and most importantly the few very best friends who continue to stand by me, guide me, lend an ear and support me through thick and thin.

A small percentage of these people are aware that I have been blogging since my 10 year old was 2.5.  What started as an outlet for me has turned into so much more.  My initial focus was on the raw reality of trial and error, as we tried to figure out what was going on with our son and once diagnosed, how to raise a child with Autism.   Since then, our 7 year old has been diagnosed with ADHD among other things and the blog has evolved into posts around many types of early intervention and the results or outcomes of doing so in a timely manner or doing nothing at alll. 

Just last week my husband asked me if I was posting on social media, Facebook and/or Twitter as he and others have continuously encouraged me to share the success and failures on this road less traveled with others. This latest attempt worked as he convinced me to create a twitter account in an effort to reach a broader audience, sharing my blog in an effort to pay it forward, letting others know they aren’t alone, there is hope and last but not least inspire resilience!

And so it begins………You can find me on twitter @BeResilient4U https://twitter.com/BeResilient4U 

And so it begins……..A Milestone school year

Tuesday September 5 was the start of our 2017-2018 school year.  We have a first day of school tradition in our neighborhood - one that was bittersweet for me this year because it marked my oldest son's last year of Elementary school and from what my neighbors with middle school age children tell me - very likely the last year he won't fuss about the first day of school picture tradition.  Given that in the fall of 2018, he will be at the middle school and start much earlier than his little brother, it is quite possible the next first day of school pic I will take of them together is Freshman year for my youngest and Senior year for my oldest.  Just another reason it was a bitter sweet start to the school year.  In full transparency, this marks the first year I shed a tear on Day 1 of school and for those of you that know me well, I cry lots of happy and sad tears but for some reason the first day of school never seemed to ignite the waterworks.  This year, well this year was different.  As I watched the neighborhood kids take a group picture and then line up by grade for more pictures, memories of the last 6 years came rushing in and slowly but surely, I began to tear up. Given that I forgot my sunglasses - just my luck - I did my best not to look anyone in the eye and cautiously wiped away the drops that fell to my cheeks.  After pictures, our entire crew, kids and parents took the inaugural first day walk to school. 

This year felt much different than past years as my oldest ran ahead with his friends, my little guy stayed behind with his friends and I found myself with neither boy holding my hand and instead surrounded by the neighborhood moms and dads.  This moment caused a wave of mixed emotions to rush through my mind.  As we continued walking through the neighborhood and over to the middle school side walk, my little one caught up to me, grabbed my hand for a moment, smiled and then took off running toward his friends who had continued walking toward the elementary school; the older one already at the front door of the elementary school with his friends.  I was thrilled with how far my 5th grader had come and who he was transforming into as a young man, or a pre-teen as he calls it and loved seeing how independent the little one was becoming.  On the flip side, it made me a bit sad as I felt them slowly slipping away - no longer little boys that constantly needed their mama/mommy close by to help them feel safe and grounded.  My little birds were learning to fly on their own, figure things out and become who they were born to be……..with some guidance, role modeling and encouragement of course :)

Just before the first bell rang I got hugs, kisses and an I love you mama/mommy from each of my boys.  As I watched them walk into school together the waterworks began to flow and I decided that it was ok to let them come rushing out as this was the end of one book and the start of another.  As I walked home, tears streaming down my face, I reflected on everything we had been through, how far we had come and where we are headed; finally taking a deep breath and hoping that the first day would bode well for both boys kicking off this milestone school year on the right foot.

As I stood under the trees next to the blacktop waiting for the boys to emerge from the cafeteria where the children would be dismissed; optimism filled my heart and head, while anxiety ran high within my body.  It seemed like forever before the boys came out of school that day, yet despite the long wait, they came out smiling, full of energy and excitement about their teachers and classmates.  A feeling of pure joy and relief came rushing over me, the anxiety dissipated and I hugged my boys tightly, kissed each on the top of their messy hair and watched as they ran toward the middle school hill to play with their friends.  Laughter filled the air, the sun shined from the sky and all was right in the world.

Dinner was complete, the sun was setting - off to baths/showers they went - followed by teeth brushing and of course the typical diversions to avoid going to sleep.   As my younger one settled into bed for the evening, we went through the typical routine of sharing our happy thoughts for the day, bear included, and saying goodnight.  As I pulled the door closed so only a small crack remained, a sweet little voice said I love you mama and asked if daddy could come up for his turn to say goodnight. 

Next up my older one - out of sorts flexible bed time during the summer months - we had to nudge him off to bed.  He said goodnight to his dad and asked if I would lay down next to him for a few minutes and talk - of course I said yes knowing that any day now he may no longer ask.  As I pulled his door closed - just before he drifted off to sleep - I heard my not so baby boy say I love you Mommy.  Not sure why, but when I hear an endearing mama/mommy vs a shrieking Mom/Mother my heart skips a beat the same as it did the day they were born.  

It is in these moments I am reminded that they will always look to us for support, encouragement and guidance  -  just not in the same ways they had for the years leading up to now.