Early Intervention = Options and Opportunity

I am extremely fortunate to be forever connected to the gymnastics community I grew up with, traveled the country and some the world with through much of my childhood.  It is simply phenomenal that after all these years, we continue to learn from and lean on one another in challenging times.  Evolving from teammates, to friends to family, the bond I have with those who trained with me from Class 3 through the Elite Level is sometimes indescribable. The situations endured, adventures across the country and around the world coupled with the achievements and failures we shared are priceless and everlasting.  Like many other sports gymnastics is two dimensional in focus with the team and individual representation, however unique to any other sport, I believe gymnastics requires a combined mental toughness and physical strength unlike any other.

Aside from this unique aspect there are many topics that intertwine all Elite Level athletes.  I often stumble upon Facebook posts referencing the similarities around what happens to athletes when they retire from the sport they love and the only life they lived and breathed day in and day out for years, and sometimes decades.  While the latest article discussing the difficulty to transition into a post sport life mentions 6 main challenges one may face, all relevant I might add, Loss of Identity hit closest to home for me.   After all, starting right around 1982 my focus was simply on doing whatever I needed to win a US Championship Title and earn a spot on the '88 Olympic Team.  By the time I was in 5th grade I was leaving school an hour before the last bell, mom would pick me up and drive 30 minutes to the gymnastics facility where I trained.  She would head home for my brother while I spend the next 3-4 hours 3-4 days a week in the gym where my dad would show up on his way home from work and drive me home. From there it was leftovers from whatever mom cooked up for dinner that night, homework until my eyes began to close and then off to bed. 

I started middle school the following year and in that same year my gymnastics career took off.  Now instead of 3-4 days a week at 3-4 hours I was in the gym 5-6 days a week for upwards of 5.5 hours a day; only in school enough hours to take major subject classes and electives necessary to graduate.  In addition, I started traveling with my private club to competitions around the country; sometimes as close as Maryland and other times a 5-hour flight to California or Nevada.  There was also the occasional "dual meet" out of the country to places like Italy and England. 

The year I turned 12(1984) things seemed to really pick of speed as I made the US Jr. National Team and began representing the USA at international competitions; the first 2 meets being the Canadian Classic in Calgary and the following year the TBS Cup in Japan.  An honorable mention: I was selected to participate in the east coast portion of the '84 Olympic Gold Medal tour with some of my idols: Tracy Talavera, Julianne McNamara and Kathy Johnson to name a few.  An amazing experience that I will always treasure as one of my favorite gymnastic moments in time.  Over the next several years the future seemed very bright and the super highs well outweighed the dreaded lows.  I won competitions, especially uneven bars and my most memorable moment during my entire gymnastics career was the day I became the first person ever to compete a full-in back out dismount on uneven bars.  It was a game changer in the sport and in my confidence level.  

Over the next few years there were many successful moments that led to more highs than lows and in the fall of my Sophomore year I was asked by USGF (now USA Gymnastics) to represent the US in the Catania Invitational in Sicily.  I didn't care that I had missed weeks of school at a time traveling from meet to meet and lugging my school books with me to every competition. Why not? Because I was at the top of my game and well on my way to accomplishing the goal of becoming an Olympian.  In some ways, I would say I was an addict. What was I addicted to you may ask? The rush, the adrenaline, the thought of one day becoming an Olympian, but toward the end of 1987 injuries struck in avalanche fashion, the highs were replaced by lows that had me wondering what I was doing, where I was going and if I was as good as I once believed myself to be. 

I had endured great pain in the past and competed with injuries from stress fractures in my heels, broken fingers and even a concussion, so my heart said keep going, you can do this, yet my head was telling me something different.  From torn ligaments in my wrist to compression fracture in my back I was out of commission for some time, I grew over 3 inches, gained over 10lbs and lost my way.  I started wondering what life would be like going forward knowing I had failed myself, my parents, my coaches and those that looked up to me.  I was deflated and defeated with no focus, goals or future in mind.  It was then and only then that choosing a college became a discussion in the house along with the reminder from my parents that I was to either continue training to ensure I could keep full scholarship I was offered or the car they bought me would be taken away and I would be responsible for paying my way through school.  For some this would have been enough to "kick them" back into a state of motivation; for me it did the opposite and threw me right into a Twister filled with debris; picking up speed as it spun around and around with no end in sight. Despite my loss of love for the sport and motivation I trained and went to college continuing to do gymnastics. 

With the structure of my day to day life gone forever, I lost focus, longed for those closest to me who truly understood me, felt empty, confused, out of place…………. I didn't know who I was anymore and none of my college teammates or school friends seemed to understand the deep sense of loss I felt.  They were all having the time of their lives and while I pretended to do the same but the truth is I was falling deeper and deeper into a place I didn't like, spiraling out of control with no focus, no structure and no motivation to do anything but self-destruct. 

Throughout the next 4 years I spent a lot of time icing injuries and making my share of mistakes and bad decisions when it came to classes, gymnastics and my social life.  On the outside, I was this happy person while on the inside I was slowly fading away.  College should have been the time of my life, as it was for most of my teammates, especially my best friend.  By my Junior year, to try and keep myself grounded and regain focus on what was important, I found myself calling her constantly.  She had made amazing friends, was learning new skills and accomplishing goals.  It was the complete opposite college experience I was having and while I was very happy that she was happy it wasn't helping me get back on track.  As my college years went on I continued to feel less and less in control of my life and my future.

My reason for posting this blog is to teach others that Early Intervention has many different benefits. In this case, I didn't have a disability that held me back from meeting my full potential, instead I had missed opportunities to create an alternate reality should I need one.  Had someone in my life pulled me aside to ground me in the truth that only a handful of people made it to the Olympics and reality was I may not make it so I better pull together Plan B. Someone telling me I needed a Plan B may have PISSED me off, but at least it would have given me options and a path if my dream of one day becoming an Olympian was cut short.  Life can change in the blink of an eye and giving our kids the tools to choose wisely when the road shifts is priceless.

When I look back, had someone proactively sat down with me to discuss this very important potentially realistic crossroad I could have created goals, direction and a mental picture of what life would look like after gymnastics.  Instead I became a lost soul, unable to see some future past gymnastics and surrounded by people who just didn't get it and thought I should be able to forget the past and move forward with no regrets, no disappointment etc.  To them gymnastics was an activity with a means to an end whereas for me gymnastics was my life; the only life I had known from the time I was 5 years old.  The gym was my safe place, where I felt most comfortable and could feed my addiction of having a purpose, feeling invincible and knowing that others pushed me to be better, stronger and faster just as I had done for them.  It was safe, structured and with constant feedback.

I will wrap up this one with a quote from my very first coach: "When we hold back our best efforts because of what happened in the past, we are letting the past decide the future."  I spent a long time letting my past decide my future and always wonder what would have happened if someone had intervened early on with guidance/ideas on an alternative plan.  As a mother, I have learned to use those lessons to guide my kids through their life journey; teaching them that although there will be disappointments along the way, there is no need to lose faith as they always have options.   

The Struggle is Real and You are NOT Alone

Summer is nearing its end which means my youngest is about to turn 7 and before we know he will be heading to 2nd grade while my oldest goes into his final year of elementary school.  Routines are ever changing and going with the flow is not the easiest for either of my boys. It is typical for both to show elevated levels of anxiety as routines drastically change such as school starting.  New kids, new teachers, new classrooms, different part of the school…..and the list goes on.  You may be thinking to yourself, all kids get nervous before school starts.  While that is likely true, it is not common for the "typical" child to exhibit the heightened levels of anxiety observed by children with ADHD and/or ASD. 

As I sit here typing my anxiety begins to increase just thinking about all the changes that are about to take place.  I know this doesn't help ease the boy’s minds nor keep them calm, so I do my best to take deep breaths and stay calm, positive and optimistic about the weeks ahead.  I reflect on the last few years of "school prep" and do my best to recall the things that eased my kids minds and prepared them for the new school year.  First and foremost, we always attend the back to school open house.  Easing the anxiety that comes from the unknown and brings up question after question after question until one or both boys are so anxious they have become too wound up to calm down without sending them to a "quiet place" to compose themselves.  Attending this yearly event is standard routine and allows the boys to get familiar with their new classroom, meet their new teachers and see which friends are with them for the upcoming school year.  All important things for kids with and without anxiety.

One of the most interesting things I have come to realize is that it is not just about change in routine that causes anxiety to rear its sometimes ugly head, it is about the fear of the unknown, the expectations the kids put on themselves regardless of how supportive, open, caring and/or understanding we are with them as they many times struggle to understand and/or learn new things.  Sometimes telling the boys they are doing a fantastic job or we are proud of them no matter what backfires and sometimes even creates a meltdown you would not expect.  What would cause a meltdown in this case?   Glad you asked………. I will use my youngest as an example…..for him the internal thought that he is not doing what they expect of himself.  Perhaps working on a math problem, he understood a few days earlier only to forget how to do it b/c while he got it when it was happening due to repetition, not practicing it for a few days made it escape his memory. 

For both boys, the struggle is real and while the highs and lows may hibernate for periods of time, they never disappear.  Each individual disorder brings on different behaviors such as meltdowns and/or episodes of silliness, goofiness, spastic and/or OCD like behaviors that last anywhere from 5 minutes to a few hours depending on what started the wheels spinning and what eventually triggered the wheels to come unhinged. 

Over the years I have wondered who would care to read or benefit from brutally honest posts on the events and situations we have encountered, our daily struggles as well as the mental and physical toll it takes on all of us. Would anyone believe what I write is reality? Could sharing what we go through and what we have been through help others try something new, do something different or at least reach out for support because they realize they are not alone?  The answer is YES.  There are many families that feel they are alone in their struggle to figure out what to do next and why this is happening to them and/or their child.  I will continue to pay it forward with my blog with the goal of helping others know that they are not alone, their child is not "that different" and there is a village of people here to support them.  All you need to do is stop listening to those who say things like this: If you disciplined your kid differently maybe they wouldn't act out; Give it time and your kid will grow out of it; We all have sensory issues and the statements go on and on and on.   If your gut is telling you there is something more triggering your child's actions and reactions go with your gut, let down your guard, be vulnerable enough to raise their white flag and yell "HELP".  I promise you won't regret it!

Daily Forecast: Somewhere Between Sunny, Super Goofy and a Category 4 Hurricane

The daily forecast Somewhere Between Sunny, Super Goofy and a Category 4 Hurricane, fits with the diagnosis which helps us understand some of the behaviors, however that doesn't mean things will get easier, in fact now is when the really challenging work begins.  Why? In part because there is still so much we don't understand about ADHD in general let alone how to best help our youngest deal with it.  You may be asking yourself how that is possible given all the years we spent figuring out how to help our oldest with his ASD, SPD diagnosis and I am humble enough to tell you that I asked myself that very same question. How is it possible that I don't have the tools to guide, support and help my youngest work through the confusion in his mind?  

While outwardly there are many similar behaviors exhibited, what is triggering them is quite different.  You see when someone is high functioning on the spectrum ABA services are key in "retraining" the child's brain by removing the scratches from a CD Rom and replacing them with tools necessary to function "like a typical" child both socially and emotionally.  Now reality is that the social and emotional differences between someone on the spectrum and a "typically developing" child will never be the same. It is true that with the right amount early intervention many people may never know what life was like before the behaviors were "retrained" from what once overpowered and overwhelmed this child.  What is also true is that many people will look at you cross-eyed when you say your child can't stand in long lines, has trouble when plans change or can't calm themselves down without you hugging them so hard you think you may break some bones.  Unless you are in it you really can't comprehend it.  You can certainly empathize with or ignore the behaviors BUT Please DO NOT judge them for it.  The forecast for our oldest was once the same as this post title and has since moved to Mostly Sunny with a chance of sarcasm and an occasional tornado.  This kid, whose meltdowns would last upwards of 3 hours on any given day is now an overachieving straight A student with a sassy personality, great smile and a heart of gold. 

On the flip side - ADHD is like trying to remove scratches from a record so that when you put the needle on the track the music doesn't skip. Those of you old enough to know what a record is know that it is pretty much impossible to remove scratches from a record.  This my readers is why all of the tools, tricks and tips I received from my "village and dream team" over the years wasn't working as we tried to guide my little one back to the "middle"(a state of calmness).  The title of this post (Daily Forecast: somewhere between Sunny, Super Goofy and a Category 4 Hurricane) seemingly sums up what it is like living with our youngest son. Since we are an all or nothing type of family, it is not shocking to me that he has all 3 possible components (inattention, hyperactivity and Impulsivity).  As hard as it is for us, it must be that much harder for him.  It breaks my heart to think about what it is like to be in his own head with all his overlapping thoughts, inability to focus or think before he reacts or struggles to retain and recall information he just heard but didn’t really listen. At the same time, he is inquisitive, creative, always wanting to entertain, sometimes sneaky and always adorable.  

About a month ago he came up with the idea that every night before he goes to sleep we recite our happy thought for the day which I love.  Now I am sure it began as a way to "avoid" going to sleep yet I love it none the less.  One night a few days ago, he began asking me questions on a specific topic. After asking me his 10th question, something I had answered many times before, I reminded him that we already talked about it and kindly stated the answer. This isn’t something new for him (asking questions over and over) but what came next was different.  He looked at me, put his hand over his eyes and mouth, shook his head and said mommy why do I have so many questions?  It was as though something in his little mind realized it wasn't normal to ask so many questions over and over and over.  For a moment, I was joyful that he could realize this for himself, but that joy quickly turned to sadness and concern for all he must be going through internally that he can't articulate or control. 

We know that ADHD is a brain disorder that interferes with functioning or development, yet the million-dollar question remains: So where do we go from here to best help him?  For now, we continue to work with the IEP team, the teachers, support staff and psychologist to figure out the best protocol for our son. 

If you or anyone you know has a child struggling with ADHD, I would love to hear about your particular situation, what you tried and what worked and/or didn't work.

Miraculous Transformation - Bath Time Tears To Swim Team Triumph

Yesterday afternoon I took a stroll down memory lane by reading through the last 5 years of my early intervention blog posts and stumbled upon something I wrote back in 2012 about our oldest son's struggles with something called Sensory Processing Disorder.  

Flashes of those days that began 5+ years ago are still clearly visible in my mind. Just as visible in my mind is the amazing transformation that has taken place since then for my oldest.  From bath time tears to swim team triumph, his love of the water is far from those distant memories I wrote about in 2012. 

An excerpt from the post called Our Bath Time Journey  - written April 21, 2012

My earliest memories of my oldest in the “big boy” bath consisted of him screaming bloody murder, grabbing onto the sides of the door frame with all his might, me fighting back tears that many times came streaming down my face and then once we finally got into the tub, he would do everything in his power to get out. He would scream, try to hit, scratch etc. and try to crawl over the tub. It didn’t matter what we did…a little water, a lot of water, bath toys, and bubbles….he still wanted out. After months of barely getting him into the tub he finally became comfortable enough to stand in the tub, just long enough for me to wash his hair and body off without screaming. As long as he was in and out in less than 1 minute we were ok.

Surprisingly or perhaps purposefully the memories of the above times are not present in his memory.  You may be wondering why I would make that statement, well let me tell you.  Our almost 11 year old has a memory like a Dolphin which means he may not see someone or something for years, yet when we come across that place or that person the memories come back.  Part of me has to wonder if he "blocked out" those times because they were too painful, too frustrating or just too tough for him to handle.  At times I am envious of my son and even husband because they don't vividly recall those times like I do.  Then again it is those times that now bring a huge smile to my face, pride to my heart and joy to my soul.  If we hadn't gone through what we did, gotten the support from our "villagers and dream team" who knows where any of us would be today.  Thankfully we don't have to know what that reality would be like and instead can look back knowing that all of the blood, sweat and tears have led us here where I am able to write about it, talk about it and be proud of the accomplishments.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would make this Miraculous Transformation from bath time tears to swim team triumph.  I bet some of you are wondering why I said We and not he, aren't you? 

Here's why - From day one it was a team effort.  It wasn’t up to my son to change on his own, not up to the behavioralists, the psychologist, the OT, myself, my husband nor the educators alone to "fix" him.  It literally takes a Village. 

An excerpt from a post I called It Takes a Village - written September 12, 2011

If not for the team behind me, I am not sure where we would be today. If not for the team along side of me now, I think I would be quite depressed and at a loss for what to do next. I am not sad, nor depressed nor feeling alone any longer. Instead, I am in a great place, feeling extremely optimistic about the future and the wonderful life ahead for our family and our kids. 

Ironically the very thing that triggered the complete fear of a bath tub filled with only 2 inches of water, eventually became the thing that led him to love swimming. A fear of drowning turned into a feeling of complete freedom just before age 5. Water became his friend as he took private lessons in our pool and learned to swim from the steps to the wall(short length).  Eventually gaining the courage to swim the full length of the pool, his swim coach tried her best to get him to breathe as he swam from end to end.  Much to her dismay, he did just the opposite; not because he was being defiant, just because he like the way he felt when swimming end to end under the water. We would watch as he stood at the shallow end of the pool, dove down deep into the water and would glide from end to end without taking a breath until he reached the far side of the pool; emerging out of the water with a smile of pure delight all over his face.

Swimming went from something we wanted him to learn to something he enjoyed and eventually the sport he wanted to master going so far as setting a goal to make swim team.  Over the next several years he took lessons weekly and even tried out for a swim team only to be told he was too good for the junior swim team, but couldn't make the main swim team because he didn't have his flip turn.   Given his determination and expectation to make it, this could have crushed him, but instead he got back in the pool and worked toward mastering the flip turn.  After weeks of private lessons with a lot of time focused on the flip turns, the forward motion continuing to make him dizzy and unable to complete the move he had a decision to make.  He could keep taking lessons OR he could join a different swim team that didn't require a 10 year old to do a flip turn.  He chose option 2 and what a great decision it was for him.  The team he chose had friends from school and the neighborhood and coaches that were fantastic, having just the right mix of encouragement and expectations.  His drive led him to attend every morning or evening practice, sometimes both in one day in order to improve his strokes and speed.  Did it pay off?  Sure did!  Every meet led to a new "best time" for whichever strokes he swam (mostly free and fly), heat winners, more ribbons than he has ever seen and to top it  off, the coach chose him to award with the medal for most improved swimmer in his age group. 

Summer swim season may be over, but his journey toward greatness doesn't stop here for this kid.  After a lot of anxiety filled conversations along with some pep talks, he decided to try out for year round swim and made the team!   He is dedicated to becoming the best swimmer he can be and knows that it won't come easy, yet he is willing to commit and work hard at it.  In my eyes he is the epitome of what courage and determination is all about. 

It took a village to get us here and it will take a village to keep us going, but rest assured we will keep forging ahead, moving mountains, adding to our village and learning from every new situation we encounter along the way.   

I encourage you to share this post with those who may be able to relate and/or benefit from our journey. 

Journey toward a diagnosis

We never thought we would need to embark on yet another Journey toward a diagnosis.  The journey for our oldest took almost 2 years, a lot of specialists, persistence and patience.  Fast forward a few years and here comes Journey toward a diagnosis take 2.  

Our youngest was a happy go lucky, silly, always smiling, sometimes mischievous, little ray of sunshine. When I first had a gut feeling that he may have ADHD I was completely perplexed; asking myself how could this happen and why did it happen?  Those who know me, know that I don't run from asking for help to ensure my children are happy, taken care of and in a productive, safe learning environment, so why hadn't I yet asked for him to be tested for ADHD?  Well a few reasons: First, from what I had read he was too young to be tested b/c when I first had concerns he was only 5 and too young for an accurate diagnosis.  Second, I was hoping that the early intervention and IEP goals we put in place (small group settings, pull out for reading, extra time when needed etc.) would do the trick.  You may be thinking, what happened next, so let me tell you.

Kindergarten came and went and I continued to have concerns because despite all of the IEP services we had been granted and/or fought for, we weren't seeing much of a difference in the way he was learning, retaining and engaging. Given the fact that we had been down this road before with our oldest for Autism Spectrum Disorder among other things; we weren't newcomers to this world.   We know first hand the positive impact of early intervention, appropriate IEP goals, educators and the relationships that brings it all together to a successful outcome. 

Our little one went to summer school, where he didn’t learn much however it wasn't a complete loss as I learned something from one of the teachers that proved helpful, at least for Kindergarten.  Toward the end of the school year I had read an article about a classroom in a Howard County school who had all kids, those with delays and those excelling in school on the balls and EVERYONE performed better.  Being a person who is willing to try alternative/new programs, I asked if the ESY host school happened to have a stability ball. The teacher looked in the classroom closet and we were in luck.  Not only did they have a ball and base, it fit our little guys height.  Throughout the summer, when they placed him on this  stability ball seat, the teacher noticed that he had a tendency to focus better.  Hmm, perhaps we are onto something here!?!

We began first grade hopeful of happy year for him and significant progress toward his IEP goals.  While there were some bright spots, as he made his way through first grade he seemed to consistently struggle.  In class it was mostly staying focused, retention of information learned and sometimes appearing inattentive.  At home, in addition to all of that playing a part, we witnessed impulsive behaviors in a way that made my jaw drop to the floor and my heart beat out of my chest.  While I won’t go into any detail today about those events, I will say it put me on very high alert. 

We knew the setbacks and/or lack of progress at school weren't due to the way his teacher taught, what she observed and how she engaged with him because our older son had her a few years prior.  Furthermore, based on the partnership we have with this teacher, we knew he was receiving every bit of additional support possible under the guidelines/rules of school administration.  By process of elimination, this led us to complete frustration with his case manager.  Rest assured we tried and tried (for over 2 years in fact) to give this person the benefit of the doubt and unfortunately what was being relayed to us (which wasn't much) didn't align with the limited progress and at times regression shown on his school work, progress reports and report cards.  Unless an additional support person was guiding him there was little to no progress made and in some cases, what appeared to be regression.  

When I first brought up the possibility of ADHD with the school psychologist, she stated that she wasn't sure based on her observations, however was willing to go with my theory and talk to his teacher and the case manager.   About a week later the psychologist called me back and said the teacher didn't have enough information to go on to provide a professional opinion while the case manager basically dismissed the idea.  I went on to adamantly express my concern that this case manager was not looking at the big picture.  So now what? Were we at a dead end?  Never say there is a dead end when it comes to helping guide, support and lead your children.  What did I do; the only thing I knew how, continued the conversation advocating for my child.  I asked the school psychologist if she had reviewed the IEP in detail, paying close attention to all of the goals.  The answer was no, but hold on let me pull it.  Together we began to review his full IEP program and based on the scope and depth of his goals revealed she came to the conclusion that I was very likely onto something.  She went onto explained that without seeing just how many different tools and goals we had in place to help him focus, retain, keep him focused she couldn't have seen what I was expressing as a potential trigger.  One can only imagine my mix of emotions - thrilled that the school psychologist was willing to dig deeper to help my child and the complete disappointment, anger and frustration with the case manager that after working along side him for 2 years, didn't connect the dots or even consider this a possibility!  This realization gave me the motivation needed to go back to the school, request immediate changes to the support he was getting from his case manager and seek further testing to find out what was triggering the behaviors and inability to retain and move toward his goals as we would have expected.

And so the long wait began for us and a lot of testing for our 6 year old first grader.  After several months of testing, compiling reports and creating a summary of the results we were ready to meet again with the entire IEP team.

Diagnosis: ADHD - all 3 possible components (Inattention, Hyperactivity and Impulsivity)

Where do we go from here with a Daily Forecast somewhere between Sunny and a Category 4 Hurricane....

Moving Mountains

As my 45th birthday approaches, I do as I have always done leading up to a milestone birthday. I reflect on what has transpired since the last milestone birthday, think about the successes, failures, things I would do differently etc. This year I find myself thinking mostly about my never ending journey to move mountains for my two boys in hopes of providing them with the best possible school experience(academic and socially) while focused on their mental and physical well-being.

In a curious moment, I searched Google for the meaning of moving mountains only to find everything from a hit song to a vacation home and even a marketing company which told me that moving mountains can mean whatever you or I perceive it to mean. For me, moving mountains is about conquering the unknown, overcoming the obstacles set in front of you, finding a way to go over it, through it, around it; whatever it takes to keep you on the path you were meant to take. I am not saying that we are predestined for all of the events in our lives to take place(my 10 year old would argue otherwise) just that we all have some sort of mountain to move; the outcome stemming from how one decides to go about it. Some will sit and stare at the mountain, wallowing in their sorrows along with a whoa is me attitude, some will try and chisel their way through the mountain one hit at a time, some may avoid it all together and run away from what stands in their way, some may look for a way around it or over it and maybe just maybe some will let down their guard and be vulnerable enough to ask for help.

This simple 4 letter word - HELP - is hard for so many people to say yet it is exactly how I began the journey toward successfully moving my first mountain. I feel it is important to note that for most of my life, the word HELP was not part of my vocabulary. I am not sure if I was too stubborn or too proud to ask or if I just thought I could figure it out on my own. Regardless of what stopped me from asking, my children gave me the courage, strength and desire to put up the white flag and ask for help. What began as my very own little dream team of special educators, support services, psychologists and behavioralists 9 years ago has turned into an ever growing support system that could populate a small village.

Over the last 5 years I found myself saying I am a "tiger mom" yet after reading the "definition" of Tiger mom, I have come to realize that this term couldn't be farther from the truth. The truth is, I am a supportive mom Advocate who encourages my children to try new things, to fail at times because without failure we can't learn. I also tactfully partner and collaborate with the educators and subject matter experts at the school and otherwise. Why; because that trusted and mutually respectful partnership allows me to successfully fight and obtain the programs and accommodations needed for each of my boys to be successful. What makes me so sure this approach works? To start, both boys have received some type of services since they were under 3 years old. It continues to take a lot of research and persistence on my part to stay on top of the every changing needs of the boys as they learn, grow and change with each passing quarter. Once I am armed with the appropriate facts, I approach the powers that be and request a meeting. Those meetings, both formal and informal, have led to life long friendships and mentors for me, beautiful relationships for my boys and their educators/coaches and support staff as well as growth and success I never thought possible, especially for my soon to be 5th grader.

I am pretty sure I lost count of just how many mountains have been moved, demolished, shaved down, walked around, into and over. Even with all of the "wins" I know that I am far from being able to stand side by side with all of my fellow villagers at the peak of the mountain, hands clasped together and held high screaming the words WE DID IT! This may sound glass half empty to some of you, but the truth of the matter is, the journey of moving mountains for my boys may never end so I take each small win as it comes and use it as motivation to continue advocating for my boys knowing that the journey is far from complete.

I can only imagine what I would have told someone who asked me 10 or 15 years ago what I thought my life would be like today; one thing I am certain of is that it wasn't filled with conquering mountain range after mountain range for my kiddos as has become my reality. At the same time, the love I have for these boys is like nothing I have ever experienced and would never ask to change the events that led me to the family my husband and I have made together! These boys are our pride and joy, the happiest of times, the saddest of times and our proudest of times.

After an enjoyable evening of wine, cheese and conversation with a dear and trusted friend of mine she said, "It's your chance to do what you are inspired by…I know you can do it :)"

My children are what inspire me most and nothing would be more rewarding than paying it forward to those who weren't lucky enough to happen upon the people I did all those years ago, guiding me toward what has now become my "new normal".

Maybe, just maybe it is my destiny to help others understand that when you let your guard down and surround yourself with the right support team, arm yourself with the appropriate knowledge and are willing to gracefully fight for what you know in your gut is right, they too can move mountains.

Perfect imperfections

"There is no need to be perfect to inspire others.  Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections."  I have no idea who originally wrote this and I don't plan to steal it, however I will borrow it - and not just for today, but for life.  It resinated with me and honestly inspired me - opening my eyes to what is real vs what is fantasy.  Perception is reality, so why not make your reality one that doesn't frustrate you, but instead inspires others to learn from you, grow from what you have been through and help them see that their imperfections are perfect for them - leading to the ultimately reality that everyone has struggles and it is what we choose to do about them that makes us who we are and who we ultimately become as a human being.  I could sit here and type words that are full of woo is me's and they should have done this better or that better or gotten out of their situation, however that is not who I am nor how I have gone through life thus far.  

After reading that saying above, I immediately re-posted stating that I will make this my new motto. I mean why not - embrace my life, my struggles, my imperfections, all of the ups and downs, fights, laughter, love, friends who have come into my life for a short period and and those who stuck with me thorugh it all.  We all have a story, no one is perfect, but we can all be perfectly imperfect.  

My story begins at a very young age and too much to tell in this post.  So i think for this one I will just write some things about being imperfect. There is the imperfect that you feel internally and then there is what others think of you.  

For me, the internal imperfection began as early as I can remember.  No matter what I did, it wasn't what others were doing - I wasn't as pretty, as fast as popular and there was no way anyone else was feeling or going through what I was - at least that is what I would tell myself.  Even at 3 years old and in nursery school I remember watching others play with one another as I sat back, anxious and unsure of how to make friends and wondering, if I did walk up to the other kids, would they really want to play with me.  This same anxiety and uncomfortable insecurity within me is there haunting me still - 40 years later. 

For me, it took 38 years to come to terms with some of my ever haunting imperfections, only breaking free from some of the voices in my head, the past and the pressures I was putting on myself, after someone I trusted with my darkest internal imperfections said some impactful words that resinated.   This person  gave me the courage to do what I needed to do to begin feeling ok with me.  

During a very pivotal time in my life, I brought this person into the deepest, darkest part of my world.  I asked them to faciliate a phone conversation between me and 2 others with whom I was trying to mend a broken relationship.  A relationship I was hoping was worth mending and those on the other end, would finally sit back and listen to my true feelings and try and understand why I felt the way I did and why brushing things under the rug for most of our lives didn't mean the hurt, the guilt, the incidents would go away.  

Unfortunately what I had hoped would come of the conversation did not - instead of mending a broken relationship we chose to become more of acquaintances. It broke my heart but also gave me peace of mind.  Peace of mind, because I knew I had given it everything I had and the others chose not to try - It would take hard work and stir up a  lot of old/hurtful memories that neither were willing to take any responsibility for being a part of - in fact they felt as though the call was a personal attack on them and began throwing accusations that just weren't relevant to this situation.  When I began to respond, PS(the facilitator) said, stop, don't say anything. Unless they are willing to admit they are part of the problem there is nothing more to say.  

When she asked them if they were willing to go through this healing process, no matter how painful, they said no.  They openly admited that they didn't want to relive the past and would rather have a surfact relationship than one that was truly meaningful and full of respect and love.  That broke my heart.  When we hung up the phone, the facilitator and I began to regroup on what had just happened.  I was in a bit of shock from it all, not sure why since it was how I had llived most of my life with this set of people, but nonetheless, me being me, thought there was a chance that they would try.  PS(facilitator) said to me, I am sorry to tell you this but from what I heard in just one short hour, I believe you really down played the extent of the situation a great deal.  The reality seems to be much worse and much more broken than the picture you painted for me.  She went onto say that it was up to me to choose how I wish to deal with my life moving forward.  She told me that only I can control my destiny, but I had to be humble enough, brave enough and willing to take a chance and ultimately make a choice to keep or break off relationships that are toxic to me being ok and be ok with my perfect imperfections.  

I had never thought of it this way and immediately began to see things a little clearer.  It was like the sun was breaking through the clouds and clearing away the fog that had clouded my mind, my perceptions and my words for most of my life.  I felt empowered for the first time to put my feelings, my happiness, my family and most importantly me and my life first.  You have to understand something - my entire life I have been a person by nature who is inclined to help others, always see the best in people(even in their worst moments), give my all to every situations and put myself last - so what she was recommending was a brand new way of thinking for me.  Don't get me wrong, I still have battles that I fight daily, but from that day forward each battle has become a little easier to deal with and I realized that I am not alone in how I feel, what I have been through or even in my thinking of where I may be headed.  That conversation took place over 2 years ago.  

Fast forward two years - recently a colleague said to me, "If you could only see yourself the way others do, you would realize just how amazing you are - you don't give yourself enough credit". I thanked him and once again found myself reflecting my my inner demons, ultimately realizing, I still have a lot of work to do to really be ok with me.