Thoughts from a Member of our Village

Along the way I will share some thoughts and memories from various village members, without whom we would NEVER have made it to this point in our journey.  First up - Andrea, our oldest son's 3-year-old preschool teacher.   Her unique background - therapist turned pre-school teacher allowed her to see past the behaviors, provide insights into the triggers and offer support in how to best work with Joseph.  She led by example in every way possible and was a calm and encouraging educator that always saw the potential in our child, even when others were ready to throw in the towel.   While we now live on opposite sides of the country, our connection and relationship remains strong.    She will always hold a special place in our hearts and I am forever grateful to her for many things including the unconditional guidance, support and love she provided from the first moment.  Read on to see what she had to say………….

The first time I met Lisa and Joseph, they walked into my classroom.... Joseph with a big smile and Lisa kind, gentle and a bit nervous.  As Lisa watched, I interacted with Joseph.  He immediately spotted a huge, heavy, wooden castle (Melissa and Doug for those of you who know their products).   Joseph went straight for it and threw it across my room.  Mom stared in disbelief and I immediately got down to his level and firmly, but lovingly, told Joseph he was not going to do things like this in my class.  We picked it up together.  I showed him how it was broken and that we could no longer play with it.  I took him around the room, staying by his side, but allowing him to touch and explore.... we connected.  Mom and Dad had to decide if our school and my classroom was the right place for their son.  One thing was certain, regardless of their decision, Lisa let me know she would replace the doll house and she did.  Finally, their decision was made and Joseph was enrolled in our school and became a student in my classroom.

The year had its ups and downs, but as the year progressed there were far more ups than downs.  Joseph caught on to my facial cues very quickly and began to look for these before reacting.  That smile of his, wow, it could make me melt.  We became a team, we worked together.  His social skills were not there and he had difficulty with his boundaries with his friends.  Joseph would react with his body, getting too close, kicking, hitting.  I didn't want his friends to shy away from him, so I stayed close enough to stop the physical interaction, but far enough away to allow him the space to grow.  So, went the year.... tremendous growth in an incredible little boy with that big smile.  

When Joseph loves he loves hard.  He loves his family, he loves his friends, he loves school, but most importantly, Joseph was learning to love himself.  In doing this he needed to learn to trust himself.  He became very attached to a Lightening McQueen car I had in my class.  I began using this toy as a special tool.  We talked about taking care of Lightening McQueen, being gentle, kind and loving with "him".  We talked about how we needed to treat our friends like we treated Lightening McQueen.  It worked.... Joseph loved this toy, he could relate to this object that sat by itself on a shelf waiting for someone to want to play with it.... Joseph was that toy.  Every day he came in, took that lonely toy off the shelf and incorporated it into his play, his daily routine.  As he became more confident, Lightening McQueen became more of a symbol... a symbol of what Joseph was capable of and what he could accomplish.  That toy was never far behind, but was no longer a replacement for friendships. Joseph flourished.  When the year ended and Joseph was about to leave my class, that final day in June, I made a gift of Lightening McQueen to him.  That little frightened boy and that brave red car, had done so much for each other, had come so far together, and that's where they needed to stay ... together.

Lisa was on board with everything.  She is a mother that every special needs child deserves to have.  As a new year began, she researched, sought help, insisted on services and never gave up.  Joseph was fortunate to have an incredible shadow in his next class, whom he became very close to.  Lisa insisted on constant meetings between herself, the shadow, the director of the preschool and his teacher.  I know what she put into these meetings, the questions and the information she gave because, as the Asst. Director, I was included in a number of these.  Joseph worked hard and Lisa worked harder.  He has grown to be a wonderful person, afforded all the services in life he needed.  Without Lisa this never would have happened.

I will always love Joseph.  He and his family will always have a special place in my heart.

Andrea

Next Stop: A Chance Encounter

We moved across the country when our youngest was not quite 3 years old and began a new adventure for our family. Little did we know what sort of impact that SUBSTANTIAL change would have on our Toddler and how a chance encounter would change our lives forever.

An unanticipated discussion with a mom I met during a toddler gym class at a Little Gym in CA led us to a behavioral psychologist we hoped would help us gain clarity and insights into our oldest son's fluctuating behaviors and moods.  When I say fluctuating I am talking about drastic changes in behavior without warning - going from Happy and Laughing to Arm flapping, Screaming, Throwing toys, Kicking and/or Hitting in 1.5 seconds.  While my son's behavior ranged from participating in class, to holding his ears, sometimes running off to hide in a corner, flapping his hands and eventually melting down, the little girl, whose mom I had this conversation, appeared to be a happy, well behaved and polite child for the length of every class.  I tell you this information because while this adorable little girl appeared this way in class, her mother began telling me a very different story about her behavior at home - behavior that had gotten so bad they brought in a behavioral psychologist to observe their daughter and offer guidance on how to parent their daughter.  As our children participated in a group activity she continued to share the details of their home situation.  I sat there listening to every word she said, somewhat in shock of the words coming out of her mouth, at the same time I thought wow, maybe this professional can shed some light on our situation.  For those of you who ever watched the show Super Nanny, it appeared as thought we had stumbled upon our very own Super Behavioral Psychologist.  Was there a catch? Of course, there is always a catch.  They were convinced that had they been consistent with the tools given to them the behavior would have changed, yet doing so took a lot of time, energy, patience and consistent parenting.  The mom went on to let me know that although they had spent the time and money to bring this person into their home and evaluate the situation, behaviors and provide tools to guide them toward better parenting and less drama within the home, they chose not to consistently follow the guidance.  The result - no behavior change.  By this time, I had heard enough.  I wanted to meet this person and should she believe there were tools to help us help our son and ourselves parent better we would do exactly what she said, or at least try our best to do so. 

Fast forward 2 months or so and it’s our turn to meet with the person who we hoped would lead us away from this stressful, challenging and very frustrating home life toward a more peaceful, happy and collaborative one where we could engage with our child absent of several hour-long meltdowns.  The knock on the door began the next several chapters of our journey.  We expected her to be at our home for up to 2 hours, but when our son's alter ego type behaviors failed to come to the surface she chose to stay, observe and chat with us until they eventually came out which happened just shy of a 4 hour home visit.  If you are wondering why it took so long, I wondered the same thing on that day and after living out that day, I can share my answers with you.  Your child may not act/react the same way as mine did, but the details that follow may help shed some light on your situation, giving you just enough hope to keep fighting the fight for the betterment of your child and your entire family.

The initial meeting was as much about us as it was about our son's behavior.  What does that even mean?  It means that the events of our past and present 100% affected and will always affect our children's behaviors.  Whether it causes anxiety, happy/sad memories, outward behaviors etc., it all comes full circle and each event impacts the next which eventually, given the change may change one's personality and how they view the world forever - sometimes for the better and unfortunately sometimes for the worse.  Leading up to our move west our family had been through a major health scare, followed by removing our toddler from his home environment, including seeing his Babushka 2 times a week to moving across the country where he knew only his mom and dad.  As this professional peeled back layers of the previous 2 years, one strip at a time, so much was revealed and at least for me, some things began to make sense.  The initial observations showed that he had some sensory issues, could likely benefit from OT and the rest was yet to be determined. We also deciphered it was likely some of his behaviors were intensified due to circumstances out of our control.  Tough information to digest given I don't like to not be "in control" of situations - That personality trait has surely changed over the years - not because I wanted to change because circumstances forced me to change.

This is not to say I was happy with our reality, just that I began to understand how we got here and why our son was exhibiting some of his behaviors.  Once this revelation took place, I jumped into "now what" mode.  Just then she stopped me in my tracks, sat down with me on the couch and asked me one question - "How are you dealing with all of this?" in an instant and without warning, the tears began to stream down my face and all of what had taken place over the previous 12+ months came to the forefront of my mind and I was forced to deal with all the emotions I had bottled up inside.  That day began a full on emotional loopy-d-loop roller coaster ride for me; one that continues to this day.  The good news is that I have learned to deal with my emotions, channel my energy for the good and work through my anxiety to minimize the effect it has on my kids and other relationships.  On this day I had a breakthrough that would change my life forever.  For the first time in my life, I realized it was ok to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to not hold the weight of the world on my shoulders and most importantly it is ok not to have all the answers nor be able to "fix" everything for those you care about.  It is a team effort, hell, sometimes a Village effort to move mountains and it all begins with a willingness to set aside one's pride, admit there may be a unique way of approaching/dealing with situations and be vulnerable enough to ask for HELP.  Starting to see a pattern here?  If you never let anyone in, listen to different viewpoints, admit you need guidance don't expect anything to change.  If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.  If that is what you want, no need to read any more of my posts, however if you are ready to take that first step, kick that first pebble, push that first rock or climb that first mountain I encourage you to keep following me through our journey. I can't promise you that what we have done, continue to do or will do going forward is going to be exactly what you or your child needs, BUT I can promise you I will provide details on what worked, what didn't work, the progress and the setbacks along the way.  

#InspireResilience

 @BResilient4U