More Than Any One Person Can Handle

Head is spinning and unsure of what to do first.  I know that one thing at a time and 1% better daily with any consistency and/or progress is all I need to continue moving forward on this long, windy and yes sometimes almost unbearable journey toward ensuring my boys live the best possible life @ their full potential.  

Pushed, Pulled, Knocked Down, Get Back Up. Scream, Cry, Laugh, Breathe, Do it ALL Over Again.

Lean in on my tribe but sometimes unsure what to say or how much to share. It is hard to explain what is happening when the other person has never lived through or watched someone they love live through these situations and so, by default, are unaware of what they don't know. I can't blame them for not knowing what they don't know or trying to offer advice, when done so with the best of intentions.  

People often share their stories, each impactful in their own way.  After all of these years I now know that sometimes an ear or a hug is all I really want or need to keep moving ahead.  Those closest to me understand that to be the case and are able to "lean in and pull back" as the journey continues on.  

Hearing your child say they are "stupid" because everything is just so hard, or they can't remember something or they hit/scratched or bit out of impulse or inability to share their emotions verbally is excruciatingly heart breaking.  Not to mention it leaves you feeling paralyzed and broken knowing you can't fix or shelter them from this reality that swirls through their thoughts, their brain and then body.  

So now what?  how do you deal with all of the ups and downs?  Move forward with a smile, stay grounded and focused on the min-steps "wins" forward.  Here's how:
You celebrate every single thing, no matter how small (could be 1 day without screaming, hell even 1 hour without screaming OR a day of laughter and no mention of feeling stupid). Intentionally focus on what is going right, on the support you have around you, the progress you are making as a family and your child as an individual.  Intentionally make a conscious decision not to allow setbacks to deter you or worst yet, create a landslide backwards.  

I often say it Takes A Village - What I don't often say is what they do for my mental, physical and emotional state - many if not most times those closest to me are there to hold me up, give me a hug, an ear to listen to without responding -> No Judgement -> no Attachment -> just their time and unconditional friendship allowing me to offload and trying so hard to understand and empathize and most importantly letting me know they are there regardless of if they can relate.  If they can, we share stories and if they can't they remind me of how far we have come, how hard we have worked and how many wins we have to celebrate.  

Every Journey is different - we all adjust, adapt, respond differently to any given situation, so to think, or worse, expect others to truly understand your journey is pretty damn unrealistic. 

We all learned early in life never to assume(makes an ass out of you and me) so DON'T do it!

We are also taught early on to be brave, independent - not to ask for help - instead just figure it out because asking for help is a sign of weakness.   I am here to call BULLSHIT on all of that - Asking for guidance and support is a sign of STRENGTH.  Being self aware and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to seek support from experts that know what you don't know is a sign of STRENGTH.  

If I had followed the words of "wisdom" and pressure from some of my own family members to figure it out, neither of my children would be where they are today. In fact neither would I!  

Reality is - dealing with any complex situation is more than any One person can handle!

So what do you do with all of this?  My POV, for whatever it is worth -> Be Vulnerable, Self-Reflective and allow yourself to ask, or scream for HELP!  Better yet, give yourself permission and space to lean in on your village before you spiral. WHY you ask?  Because until you are your best self, you can't be good to you or others that count on you to guide, support and hold them up when they need it most.  HOW do you do this?  Great question - It requires daily work mentally, emotionally, socially and physically and a glass of Vino can't hurt 💙💚 After all they say it is good for your heart so who am I to argue with science?

Feeling overwhelmed? Like you are frozen in time and unable to clear your mind enough to even take a first step forward? I get it, been there and often end up back there but now, after many years of self reflection and mindful work, I can get myself unfrozen and focused on moving forward.  


By now, well if you read this far, you are likely asking yourself NOW WHAT?  WHAT does this look like for me?  WHERE do I even begin?  Tell ME What To DO! 

The bad news is I can't tell you what to do AND yet the good news is I can continue to share my journey and how I chip away at the mountain one tiny section at a time, knowing that this is a long journey and not a trip to the corner store!

It comes in many forms and only you will know what is best for your family.  I can tell you it is an emotional roller coaster and takes a lot of patience, willingness to get back up every time you get knocked down by fear, frustration, an intervention or a medicine that didn't help the way you thought it would.  It takes a lot of research, and resilience and a tribe of people around you, most importantly experts in specific fields that you are not and others who are experts in unconditional love.  

WHY Unconditional Love? From my personal experience I realized early on that going with my gut and not listening to others opinions of what to do or how to handle any of the many different situations that reared their ugly and confusing heads through our journey was key to my SANITY!  Opening up to people, even family members that had their OPINION on what I should be doing only caused more stress and anxiety which didn't help me, or our son at all.  In fact, given that anxiety affects both of my boys moods and reactions, it was detrimental to our boys unique situations.  It caused a lot of confusion, resentment, frustration, fighting and I even let go of some friendships (looking back they weren't people I wanted in my TRUSTED circle anyway) so it ended up as it was meant to be.  The hardest thing I had to do SO FAR - over the last 11 years - is distance myself from members of my own Family.  

Yes you read that right - I spent months and in some cases years not speaking with family members who though they new best, refused to seek to understand why we would reach out to experts - in the areas we knew little to nothing about - for help on what could have been the underlying triggers causing poor behavior, emotional meltdowns, inability to interact socially like the other "typically developing" kids and the list goes on and on.  The silver lining here is, with my second child, who has a very different set of learning, cognitive, executive functioning and impulsive issues, those family members chose to research, ask questions and truly seek to understand the situation we were dealing with and the outcome has been fantastic.  

For parents who are very "set in their way" it means the world to me that they are truly engaged and open-minded with our second son's situation. It is amazing the difference between the fights and negative responses I would hear about our oldest son - things like WHY would you go see a Psychiatrist to help sort out what is going on, WHO needs a behaviorist to help create behavior change and teach right from wrong?  Just parent and he will just outgrow it.  😏 If Only it was that simple!  What they came to find out was that all of the time, money and effort aligning with our village of specialists - enabled our oldest to fill in his missing "pieces" and get him to where he is  today - in middle school, GT Classes, and on his way to a Straight A quarter!  Based on their observations of what we invested into our oldest, they now believe what we are doing to help our youngest be his best possible self is the right path.  

I shared the above paragraph to show you that even if there are non-believers in your life that you are holding out hope on becoming supporters, they too may one day come full circle - admitting that the road less traveled, the one YOU were willing to take, afforded your child the space to learn and grow into his/her best self.

For those that read this, thank you! For those that know someone who may benefit from reading this, please share!  Paying it forward is so important because going through this journey is More Than Any One Person Can Handle Alone!

#Bloom
#Ittakesavillage