After reading that saying above, I immediately re-posted stating that I will make this my new motto. I mean why not - embrace my life, my struggles, my imperfections, all of the ups and downs, fights, laughter, love, friends who have come into my life for a short period and and those who stuck with me thorugh it all. We all have a story, no one is perfect, but we can all be perfectly imperfect.
My story begins at a very young age and too much to tell in this post. So i think for this one I will just write some things about being imperfect. There is the imperfect that you feel internally and then there is what others think of you.
For me, the internal imperfection began as early as I can remember. No matter what I did, it wasn't what others were doing - I wasn't as pretty, as fast as popular and there was no way anyone else was feeling or going through what I was - at least that is what I would tell myself. Even at 3 years old and in nursery school I remember watching others play with one another as I sat back, anxious and unsure of how to make friends and wondering, if I did walk up to the other kids, would they really want to play with me. This same anxiety and uncomfortable insecurity within me is there haunting me still - 40 years later.
For me, it took 38 years to come to terms with some of my ever haunting imperfections, only breaking free from some of the voices in my head, the past and the pressures I was putting on myself, after someone I trusted with my darkest internal imperfections said some impactful words that resinated. This person gave me the courage to do what I needed to do to begin feeling ok with me.
During a very pivotal time in my life, I brought this person into the deepest, darkest part of my world. I asked them to faciliate a phone conversation between me and 2 others with whom I was trying to mend a broken relationship. A relationship I was hoping was worth mending and those on the other end, would finally sit back and listen to my true feelings and try and understand why I felt the way I did and why brushing things under the rug for most of our lives didn't mean the hurt, the guilt, the incidents would go away.
Unfortunately what I had hoped would come of the conversation did not - instead of mending a broken relationship we chose to become more of acquaintances. It broke my heart but also gave me peace of mind. Peace of mind, because I knew I had given it everything I had and the others chose not to try - It would take hard work and stir up a lot of old/hurtful memories that neither were willing to take any responsibility for being a part of - in fact they felt as though the call was a personal attack on them and began throwing accusations that just weren't relevant to this situation. When I began to respond, PS(the facilitator) said, stop, don't say anything. Unless they are willing to admit they are part of the problem there is nothing more to say.
When she asked them if they were willing to go through this healing process, no matter how painful, they said no. They openly admited that they didn't want to relive the past and would rather have a surfact relationship than one that was truly meaningful and full of respect and love. That broke my heart. When we hung up the phone, the facilitator and I began to regroup on what had just happened. I was in a bit of shock from it all, not sure why since it was how I had llived most of my life with this set of people, but nonetheless, me being me, thought there was a chance that they would try. PS(facilitator) said to me, I am sorry to tell you this but from what I heard in just one short hour, I believe you really down played the extent of the situation a great deal. The reality seems to be much worse and much more broken than the picture you painted for me. She went onto say that it was up to me to choose how I wish to deal with my life moving forward. She told me that only I can control my destiny, but I had to be humble enough, brave enough and willing to take a chance and ultimately make a choice to keep or break off relationships that are toxic to me being ok and be ok with my perfect imperfections.
I had never thought of it this way and immediately began to see things a little clearer. It was like the sun was breaking through the clouds and clearing away the fog that had clouded my mind, my perceptions and my words for most of my life. I felt empowered for the first time to put my feelings, my happiness, my family and most importantly me and my life first. You have to understand something - my entire life I have been a person by nature who is inclined to help others, always see the best in people(even in their worst moments), give my all to every situations and put myself last - so what she was recommending was a brand new way of thinking for me. Don't get me wrong, I still have battles that I fight daily, but from that day forward each battle has become a little easier to deal with and I realized that I am not alone in how I feel, what I have been through or even in my thinking of where I may be headed. That conversation took place over 2 years ago.
Fast forward two years - recently a colleague said to me, "If you could only see yourself the way others do, you would realize just how amazing you are - you don't give yourself enough credit". I thanked him and once again found myself reflecting my my inner demons, ultimately realizing, I still have a lot of work to do to really be ok with me.
